Some patience

Last night I collapsed on our bed after I tucked Shira into her crib around six-thirty. I'll just lay here for a little while, until Matt brings Alyce up for bed around seven or so. Then I'll get up and start my evening of work. Around one in the morning I peeled myself off the bed just long enough to remove my uncomfortable clothes and slip on pajamas. Then I returned to bed until just before six.

I guess I was tired.

I think more than anything my heart is a bit tired lately. I was going to say my head, but really it is my heart. Not getting into the midwifery program the first time around is not the end of the world, I know that. I will try again next year, and maybe by then I'll have a stronger application. That's all I can hope for. The problem isn't just the disappointment, but the momentum I lost when I received the news. I realize I sound a bit like a broken record, but this past year has been tough a one. For a good long while I was pushing through the tough most days because I was so excited about what would come next. I had a plan that included weathering some challenging moments so that I could get to something that I really wanted.

Now I need a new plan, and as I mentioned before, I threw a bit of an internal tantrum. I was hurt and disappointed that I didn't get an interview for school and angry that I had to start over. Again. The truth is, I still feel this way, the wounds taking some extra time to heal. When I'm in this position I spend a lot of time thinking things over in my head. I don't like to talk about it much (except when I do like to talk about it a lot, thanks Liz). For someone who likes to talk as much as I do this comes as a surprise. But it has everything to do with that part of me who wants to be perfect. If you ask me how I'm feeling about not getting into school I don't want to answer you until I have it all figured out. I want to have a good answer, or maybe even the right answer. That's a lot of pressure on myself, I know. I feel it, as much as I feel helpless against it.

Thankfully, I don't always have the freedom to spend too much time worrying about the What's Next. Because then I wouldn't have time to enjoy a moment like this one at the park over the weekend. See that expression on Shira's face? In the middle of all this mess, she reminds me to just give in to the good things. Like the new dolly she received from her Aunt Doris last week, or the swing, or the sunshine on her face. There are people in my life who keep reminding me to have some patience, that everything will work out. I know they are right. I'm just a slow learner.

When I have patience, even just a little, I can watch Alyce look out for Shira at the park, keeping close behind her as she climbs the stairs to slide for the first time. She's growing into her role of big sister beautifully, with all the intensity and passion being a sister demands. Patience also gives me the chance to enjoy my walk to school with Alyce (some of the best ten minutes of my day), or to appreciate my Passover parsley, the little parsley seeds that could. I was expecting a fuller pot after we planted the seeds back in February, but these beautiful green sprouts served our little Passover seder well. We had a quiet first seder at home and then visited friends for wonderful second night. Happy Passover to all of you celebrating this week!

Patience also leads to tangible rewards. Like the job Matt was offered last week. Just before Passover he was offered a position in academia for another year. Another year is a great place to start. He had given up any real expectation that he would ever be Professor again, and I'm grateful that he has this new opportunity. He's a passionate teacher and thoughtful researcher, and the university will be lucky to have him. He will take up his new position this summer and for the time being we will make some more of those new plans, like finding an apartment in Toronto. I'm not yet sure what this move will mean for me, but I know it will bring more good things for our family. And for my heart.
 

A letter

This morning Alyce waved a wand over my head and proclaimed that she had magically turned me into a midwife.

An hour later I received a letter informing me that I had not been accepted into midwifery school. I had not even been granted an interview.

I wasn't expecting that news. From this side of the rejection letter, clearly I should have prepared myself better. But never really occurred to me that I wouldn't have an interview. Sure, I might not get an offer of admission, but surely I'd make it through the first round. The rejection letter stated that my personal essay did not receive a high enough score to move to forward.

You might be thinking that I should never have been so confident in the first place, but hear me out: have you ever wanted something so badly that you feel as though you already have it? Have you spent so much time thinking so much about a possibility that it becomes a reality, even if only in your head? I talked myself out of applying to midwifery twelve years ago, and I felt as though returning to this path again and again meant that it was my path. Like it was just waiting for me all along, patiently sitting around, growing stronger, eager to welcome me on my journey to becoming a midwife.

It seems that I was wrong.

Today isn't the day for making plans for the future. Of course I will probably apply again next year (it is on my list, after all), but I need to move forward with something else in the meantime. So much of our decision to move back here revolved around me starting midwifery school this fall, and this letter today sort of took my breath away. I have a lot of thinking to do. But today isn't for thinking. Today is for disappointment. No matter what wonderful opportunities will develop in the coming year, and I truly believe that they will, today is the day for feeling sad, for sitting with all of these unpleasant feelings.

It was a crappy day.

My Monday: Sorry Friday, nothing personal

It's another Monday! I've had to force my Monday excitement a little bit lately, but it's a habit I refuse to give up. Sometimes it's important to develop a habit even when all you want to do is sit on the couch eating pizza and peanut m&ms (and yes, I'm speaking from very recent experience). Most people love Fridays, but not me (except for Shabbat). In all of these months that we've been looking for new opportunities I have come to resent the glaring reality of Fridays. All week long we hope to hear some good news--maybe a job interview or some tiny bit of progress--and then Friday rolls around with little news. Each week I throw so many hopes and expectations at my Friday, thinking that finally good news will reach us, and then at the end of another week with nothing to show for it, it can be hard to stomach. Sorry, Friday, nothing personal. But we need Monday. Its potential is our lifeline. It carries us.

This is what my Monday looked like:

• I walked Alyce to school, one of my absolute favourite Monday activities. Nothing gets me excited quite like the fresh start of a new school week.
• We sold the minivan. A second car isn't a necessity for us, and since we hope to move back to Toronto this year, we wouldn't have wanted it there anyway. I tried parallel parking that thing a few weekends ago, and it wasn't pretty.
• Shira had roughly 398 tantrums related to nursing. I am now spending some time thinking about how to manage my boundaries when it comes to breastfeeding my toddler. Because nursing at the car dealership while signing paperwork? Not really that much fun.
• I watched Shira cover herself in sparkly butterfly stickers. 
• Ate pizza for dinner with Matt (see above). Delicious.
• Working on my course design. I haven't taught this course in over a year and already I feel like that old person returning to work, gawking in amazement at all things the new kids are doing. I have a lot of work to do.
• I've been dreaming about our future, and that feels good. 

How was your Monday? I'd love to know. Do you think differently on Mondays?

The plan

I remind myself often how fortunate we are. We have are healthy, and holy cow do I know how lucky that makes us. All of my people are accounted for. Some days, however, are just hard, no matter the gratitude I feel every single day. Today was one of those days. Last week had a couple of them, too. My little family is just struggling to move forward. I feel stuck in place, like everyone else is moving, running, dancing around us. And it isn't jealousy I feel when I watch other people pushing forward in their own world, that's not quite it. Yes, of course, I'm jealous of people who have jobs they can count on, work they love, plans for the future. But I know, I'm sure of it, that nothing is as easy at it looks. Everyone works hard, worries about supporting their family, performs acrobatics to juggle all the competing demands. I might, at first glance, feel a pang when I see the stability that other people have, but there are so many details that are invisible to me. There is stress in everyone's world, certainly not just ours.

Sometimes all it takes for me to relax, to take a deep breath, is to remember that we have a plan. Our plan still needs a lot of tweaking, but it's there nonetheless. It gives me hope, a chance to make lists, a reason to look ahead. Our plan is filled with jobs and growing children, and (fingers extra crossed) maybe even the chance to return to school for something I'm passionate about. Will we be rich? Probably never, but maybe we will find some security one day. We certainly have a new perspective on saving (translation: start saving). I like our plan. But at the end of another week where I've watched my talented and capable husband apply for job after job with no lead, no interview, the plan doesn't offer enough comfort. I want to stand on the rooftops and yell at the world. I want someone to reach out to him and say yes, we see your potential. Because I see it. 

*****

Most days The Children make us laugh enough to take the edge off all this worry. Shira woke up this week having grown up into an adult baby. She has sprouted these long legs and arms that reach out in every direction and most days I don't recognize my little one. Not until she snuggles into my lap for more milk, that is. I watch her, especially on the days when Alyce is at school, and I see how she's making room for herself in our family. She is no longer Baby Shira, no longer the silent partner. I wonder if my expectations for Shira are different than those for her big sister. Do I treat her differently because she is the baby? Probably. But so much of parenting Alyce at this age is such a blur, that I can't even compare. That's for the best, I think. Shira can handle this one all on her own.

Do you know that Shira cups my face every morning when she sees me, planting kisses on my face as though it were a full-contact sport? Have I told you that she likes eggs for breakfast, but not oatmeal? That she's terrified by the sound of trains, but likes to taunt the dog by roaring like a dragon? Alyce is already big enough to tell me that she would like to be a princess, an artist, a chef, and an astronaut when she grows up (this morning she added pirate to her list, even making plans to attend Pirate University, where, she informed me, she would learn to say Arrrrrgh, I'm a pirate and how to look for treasure). I wonder how Shira will answer these questions in a few years?

Alyce is handling all these unknowns is our world with her usual glee. Yesterday she read her first book. As in read the words on the page. As in I am still grinning from ear to ear having seen the look of pride she wore when I said, Alyce, you're reading! I am so proud of her, so excited that the world has opened up to her in an entirely new way. Yes, for now she is slowly reading tiny sentences about an elephant who likes flowers, but these are the tiny steps that will lead her to The Secret Garden, Harry Potter, and, when she's old enough, Bossypants. I tried not to overwhelm her with my giddiness.

Fortunately, for everyone involved, there are many good things in our world. It's all part of the plan.

New routines

Alyce asked me yesterday if any of the Grand River ducks would like some of her stickers. I told her if they didn't want some of her stickers then they were cruel, soul-less creatures. Actually, I told her that we can't litter stickers in the river, but I wanted to say the other thing. It was a mild and un-January like day, and since we had some time between appointments in the afternoon (a doctor and a swim class), we took advantage of the opportunity to take a walk by the river.

This week is my first real welcome back to staying home with The Children during the day. I am doing some contract work that I can work on in the evenings and I've sent Matt out to find a job. I know from experience that looking for work takes a lot of time and energy, so I've given Matt the space to spend the days doing all the things one does to find work (researching positions, making contacts, submitting applications). He did that for me while he stayed home with Alyce and Shira, so now it is my turn. I have a good feeling about him, as though a really amazing opportunity is going to open up. He deserves it.

Isn't it strange trying to figure out if it's best to work and pay for daycare, or have one parent stay home with your children? Daycare is so much money (and difficult to find at all if you didn't get your name on a list years before), never mind the maneuvering to find care for Alyce before and after kindergarten on the days she's in school. Honestly, it makes my brain hurt. I know a lot parents both work because in addition to the income they enjoy the work they do (but I imagine it is still hard for  a parent to know that they're bringing home only a few hundred dollars after daycare costs). I know that one day this will be the case for Matt and I, but for the time being I'm going to stay home with these two while Matt works. I must admit: I love staying home with them. Even on days, like yesterday, when Alyce tried my patience and argued with me approximately 439 times, it was good to be here.

Today is a school day, so it's an even softer welcome back to home week for me. Shira is happy to be my sidekick, and even accepted my invitation for a hair cut (see her before and after pictures above). She is over the moon that my boobs I am home with her again and we're redeveloping a routine. So far today it involves a little cleaning, some cooking, trying on every hat and mitten in the house, and, this afternoon, a trip to return our library books. But for the time being, she naps.

Please keep it between us that Shira is sleeping with Alyce's unicorn.

A good week

 

This photo here about sums up why I have children. Because you can stuff them up in a snowsuit, throw them into a snowbank, and this is the face you get. She couldn't have had more fun in the ten minutes we were able to play outside before the below freezing temperatures got the better of her.

Speaking of cold children. Even though we spent twenty minutes searching for snow pants that have clearly been left at school (admit defeat, Matt), Alyce still managed to enjoy herself in the snow. Here she is telling me that she's not even cold. Raise your hand if you believe her.

It's Friday afternoon and I'm home with The Children before I go into work for a couple of hours (I'm still helping out at the restaurant I mentioned before).  Alyce and Shira are making things out of Play-Doh, we're all dancing around to Tegan and Sara, and I'm settling into quite a good mood.

This week the world opened up a bit and said, Relax, just for a moment or two. We few financial stresses are gone (thank you, government of Canada for reassessing last year's taxes in my favour), Matt is *so* close to his permanent residency, and I was rehired to teach part-time for a university I used to work for. The work doesn't begin until summer, but it was a pleasant surprise, with a capital Pleasant. I am grateful for so many things, but let's face it, the past nine months have been hard. We were all eager for some positive news and I think our shoulders have collectively dropped a few inches.

The hard work of this year isn't over. We still have a lot to do. But I'm relishing a bit in this change of mood. It's an awfully nice way to begin the weekend.

And your weekend? What are you plans? Mine include lots of work on the course design I've got underway, making a cake for my stepfather's birthday tomorrow, a long walk in the snow, and with any luck, a date night with a certain snowpants-at-school denying husband. Oh, and I'm working on a certain school application, details to come!

What does your crazy look like?

Hi there.

It's like I've been avoiding you. Well, not you, but the internet. Well, not the internet, but this blog.

Should I tell you that life has been crazy, getting in the way of all my over-sharing? It's true, but everyone's life is crazy. Should I tell you that a temp agency had me running around in circles last week for a very temporary job that they ended up filling internally? (Can I express to you how much I have come to loathe the phrase We have filled the position internally over the past nine months? Sure, for those on the internal-side of things, it's good news. But after three quarters of a year spent looking for work, it just doesn't sit well. Oh, how I long to be on the internal side of something. I'm tired of looking in from the edges.)

The rest of my week was usual, run-of-the-mill kind of crazy. There was a tea party with new friends, a birthday party for two of my favourite little boys (even if we forgot their cards at home), some painting, some princess movies, and a shopping date with Matt (a romantic trip to the Gap). I like this kind of crazy. I'll take it most days of the week.

But it has also been a week heavy with planning for Our Future, as in, what are our next steps going to be? I'm piecing together a couple part-time jobs that, sadly, don't do much in the way of supporting our family of four. I'm still applying for new positions and following new leads every week, but we really do need a new approach. At some point I need to admit that what I'm doing isn't working. Matt and I have been brainstorming a bit, even thinking about jobs that he might apply for, as we approach the last stages of the permanent residency process. Can I get an AMEN to sharing the job search load? It's really one of the nicest feelings in the world, allowing my shoulders to relax just a bit. I now have a new appreciation for how Matt must have felt looking for permanent academic work in Delaware. Now that we have a family, there is just so much riding on the income we bring home.

So we've been brainstorming. It feels a bit sneaky making new plans, taking my mind of the day-to-day job search just for a moment. I'm not taking about another big move or anything, and no, we're not sneaking in a third child (yet). All I'm saying is that our family needs a new approach.

Any ideas?

Sometimes I only win some days

Winter has finally arrived. There isn't much snow yet, but the cold is more than making up for it, just in case people were wondering if the seasons had indeed changed. Message received, hats placed on heads, and I better get to finishing that scarf for my husband who does not like feeling cold. It's no wonder that I've fallen for knitting this year, as though my stitching fingers knew that we'd be returning to the land of very cold winters.

But isn't it beautiful? The crispness and the brightness of the snow makes me so happy. And today I need this kind of happy.

I didn't get a job today. I guess that in the past eight months I didn't get jobs most of those days either, but today I didn't get a specific job, a job that I wanted. I was excited by the possibility of this specific job, and my excitement was fueled by two good interviews. But this morning I heard that they went with someone else, and that's not what I wanted to hear. One day soon, I hope, I'll get a different job, but today I wanted this one. So today I welcomed the sight of my family playing outside on this beautiful day in winter. 

What's that I said earlier about big girl panties? So back to the grind it is. I've already applied for another job this morning, and I'm re-brainstorming some new approaches to my job search. I'm setting some new goals (which I hope to share with you very soon), and trying to absorb as much wisdom as I can from people who have done this before. I'm also finding great comfort in my community of friends who I know want me to get a job almost as much as I do! Thank you, everyone, you have made today a lot easier already.

If you are working on your own job search, or just looking for some new ways to frame your own goal brainstorming, you might find these helpful:

• Penelope Trunk has a lot to offer when it comes to building resumes, telling your story to a future employer, and some other ideas to get you going. She is also the author of this, one of the most helpful suggestions I've ever come across in my job search: 

  You’re going to need to show you’ve done the new job before you can get the new job. It’s not fair, I know. But it’s how the world works. So just make up a job, do it, and then put it on your resume. You don’t need pay or permission to do the job you want. Just start doing it. And if you already have the job you want on your resume, you’re much more likely to get hired for the job you want. (Find the rest here.)

• I've always been a fan of the Biz Ladies posts over at Design Sponge, but this week's post was especially helpful. I'm using this model right now for my 2012 planning. I'm staring with choosing my five goals and trying to determine the scope of all the little projects that fit into these goals.
• I'm also a fan of this worksheet for reflecting on the previous year's goals and outcomes. (I would love to sign up for one of her courses, but that will need to wait for now. Job first, then funds to take wonderful courses second.)

Ok, that's enough for now. Back to work. If you are looking for work, too, please know that you are not the only one struggling. And.it.will.happen!

And there were goats

 

It's been a week or two since my last photo of sleeping Shira, and I thought you might be worried.

Rest assured, she is still sleeping, and as much as I've clearly stated my preference that she sleep in until six in the morning, I'll take her sleeping through the night any day of the week, no matter how much my brain hurts when I swing my legs out of bed at five. The photo above was taken yesterday while I was being spoiled by my mum, who not only gave me the gift of a hair cut at my favourite salon in Toronto, but looked after Shira while my hairdresser worked his magic. Shira grew bored of the whole thing and promptly fell asleep.

Now excuse me while I stare at those lips. Delicious.

Speaking of being spoiled my mum, she took me to see the Marc Chagall exhibit at the Art Gallery of Ontario. We made a date of it, just the two of us, only to readjust later when it became clear that Shira was not having any of our plans. So the three of us stood before some of my favourite paintings, with even Shira appreciating the vibrant blues, purples, and reds. Fortunately for her, Chagall includes a goat in almost every painting, and since she's recently learned the word goat, it was a big day for her.

Also, she appreciated Chagall's work from the cozy pocket of my sling, nursing the entire time we wandered through the exhibit. Who says you can't breastfeed and simultaneously point out the goats? Not Shira!

It was a good day, and I have my mum to thank for the entire thing. It's hard not to feel down in the middle of all this reality lately. We're heading into month eight of the job search and the world feels awfully hard some days. Every single day I'm grateful that we have been welcomed in my mum's house while we continue to try and shape this new life of ours, but that doesn't mean that it's easy--for any of us. But yesterday felt easy and I always feel so motivated after visiting a gallery. I have less than zero artistic talent, but I'm convinced that being close to such works of art rubs off on me, even if it's just to see my own world a little differently.

Where was Alyce during this day in the city? Home with her Papa, who sent me text me the following text midway through the day: "One kid is easy!!!" Amen to that.

Vortex

It feels like more things have happened in the last two weeks than I can even begin to explain here.  Lucky for you I'm an oversharer, so I'll try my best.

If I had to chose a word to describe these weeks I would choose the word vortex, as in turbulent swirling and spinning around our little family, emphasis on us being stuck in the middle of it all. There is movement and chaos all around, both emotional and physical. Every few days or so I make everyone stop, just for a moment, so that I may account for all of our whereabouts. Shira's still here? Good. Is she eating dog food again? Gross. Whatever. Matt, you're doing ok? Have the girls driven you to madness yet? No? Yes? Probably? Alyce, you're four, right? You haven't had any other birthdays? Alright then, let's get back to it. 

Truthfully, the ground started spinning when we decided to make Canada home back in May.  There was moving in with mum while Matt taught in Europe, the beginning of my job search, moving into our new place, more job searching. There was junior kindergarten and recruiters (but not recruiters for junior kindergarten). There were immigration applications and waiting around for letters that tell us Matt can stay. Most of the spinning was fueled by my lack of job. After five months of looking unsuccessfully I took a job at a Large Bookstore that required getting up at 3:45 am in order to start the early shift of unpacking a thousand copies of The Help. That job was interrupted after only two weeks when I was offered a temp job in an office, that from this point forward will only be referred to as The Abyss of Misguided Souls (TAMS). It was not a nice place to work, and for the time being, I will leave it at. (Update: I have made changes here since the original post.)

So the other day I had had enough and I quit my job at The Abyss of Misguided Souls, but only after finding another part-time job and after telling my recruiting agency about the conditions at TAMS. There have been apologies issued, investigations launched, and most of all, I DO NOT WORK THERE ANYMORE! My heart feels lighter and my shoulders have relaxed a bit. For now I am happily working for my old boss who runs a delicious catering company and burger joint. She has offered for me a job for as long as I need it, with the freedom to drop it as soon as I find a permanent, full-time job. She is good people and I am grateful.

But there's more. After seven months of no income/low income, it was becoming difficult to support a household. Did you know that it is difficult to pay bills when you are making zero dollars an hour? Starting work at TAMS helped, but the salary didn't anywhere near cover what our family needed. Can I, just for a moment, let out a whimper over the last seven months? In the end being here is the right thing for our family, but it has not been easy. Between wanting to find a job that makes good use of my skills and experiences, waiting for Matt's immigration papers, and not having money to pay bills, the collective stress levels of our family were on the rise. And so the world kept on swirling and we moved back in with my mum and stepfather. They were generous and gracious and welcomed up back home. The move is almost complete and we are settling into our new space. Of course it's not easy some days, but it's what our family needs until we get ourselves settled in paying, non-terrible jobs.

I think that's enough about our little vortex for the time being. We are all well, moving forward, and just a little bit dizzy.

A list, if you will

 Alyce, self-portrait

1. Is it just me, or has Alyce become quite an artist? I'm finding her soulful self-portraits fulfilling on many levels. The arms, you'll notice, seem to be growing directly out of her head. She's always challenging me to think outside the box. Mostly, I just love her silly grin.

2.  This list is far greater than my own.

3. I've just fallen in love with Coeur de Pirate. Also, her cover of Katy Perry. Don't judge me.

4. Do you think I could make this Pumpkin Challah before I leave for work in the morning? Probably not, but I should probably try anyway.

5. Speaking of work, I've applied for a job that I would really, really, really like to have. Universe, help a girl out, would you?

6. I've been doing a lot of writing lately, planning for some potential freelance articles and even for the book I hope to write about my grandmother. The past six months have been *challenging* to say the least, but I've never put so much energy into my writing before*. I like it. I like it a lot.

7. Have you read Jonathan Franzen's Freedom? I started listening to it on CD during my commute to work everyday, and I have to admit, I hated it. The book is spread out over 19 CDs, and I made it all the way to disc 13, but I just couldn't do it anymore. I wanted to like this book, I really did. But the characters were mean-spirited, the outlook dreary, and I just couldn't handle all the whining. I hear enough whining from my three year old. I usually finish books no matter what, but I just couldn't do it. Did you like it? Are you one of those readers who finishes a book no matter what?

8. If you don't already, I suggest that you head over here. Ryan from Pacing the Panic Room, along with his wife Cole, are taking photoblogging to an impressive level.

9. I think Shira might be heading in the direction of non-breastfeeding. But I don't really want to talk about this, so I'm just going to sit in the corner for a little while.

10. The following things have made me smile this week: Alyce's interpretive dancing to Eddie Vedder's Ukulele Songs, Shira's new vocabulary, especially when she tries to say Alyce, carving a Halloween pumpkin with the girls, Matt's newly discovered talent at roasting brussel sprouts.

It's Thursday, everyone! That means tomorrow is Friday!

The weekend. It's coming.

*Note to self: This might be why that whole PhD dissertation never quite worked out.

Things I am feeling right now

  Shira deals with all these transitions.

Things I am feeling right now:

Exhausted from a rotten cold.

Frustrated by my bumpy transition into office/data entry life.

A little beside myself with how much I miss The Children when I'm gone for ten hours every day.

Saddened that I only saw Alyce for 24 minutes today.

Happy that birthday week is coming up.

Full of pizza.

I've got lots to tell you about my first week at my new job, but that will have to wait. For now, I must sleep, and get excited about the weekend coming up! I've never before understood just how vital the weekend is until now. Now, I get it. I'm all over it. Bring on the weekend.

What do you have planned for the weekend? Do you have any suggestions to offer this weekend novice on how to make the most of my two days of freedom?

Back to work

This is what happens when I leave the three of them at home while I go out and work. I kid you not, The Children were stained blue and green for days. This is not, I repeat, not body paint. This photo was sent to my phone midway through the day, taunting me to come home and join them.

Today I'm starting a new job. It's not the job, but a temp job that will get me started for the time being. I will be working in my first real office job. My friend Kaylie tells me that the reason I've never liked The Office, in spite of loving Steve Carrell, is that I have no experience dealing with the personalities of an actual office. Most of my working life has been spent in a classroom or library. Maybe there's hope for me yet.

I have actually been working for two weeks at another job, but I didn't dare mention it here for fear that I wouldn't be able to restrain myself from complaining about it on the internet and maybe jeopardizing my position. I was working at a very large bookstore chain because it was the only call I received in four months and over fifty applications. We needed the income and I hoped that finding a job might be easier if I already had one (as the saying goes), and it turns out that I was right. So I'm trading my career as a bookseller for an office chair. We do what we need to.

I'll share some details later, but right now I need to shower, get dressed, cry over leaving my babies, and then get to work for my first day.

P.S. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the supportive comments on my post yesterday. I felt a bit naked sharing all that, but I know it was worth it.

Regrouping on a Monday

For all the chaos in our life, we had a great weekend. We had the best dinner and visit with a good friend and her new (to us) love. Isn't it just the greatest feeling, watching two people fall in love? And lucky for Alyce, this family also includes two kids, one, a girl, is Alyce's age, and her brother, an adorable six-year-old who melted my heart. They both melted me, but the little boy reminds me so much of my brother (who is almost eight), it made me a bit heartsick (Vancouver is so far away). Alyce and her new best friend will see each other again this weekend, as we scored an invitation to her birthday party. We also had a dinner with my dad's side of the family in honour of my grandfather's recent visit from Europe (he lives in the Canary Islands). We don't see each other very often which can make for some awkward initial conversation between all the (now) adult cousins, but nevertheless it's always good to see them. Somehow we all grew up. As in, we're getting old(er).

I have no photos to show of these adventures because I was either having too much fun, or chasing The Children, or both. But I do have evidence from the spontaneous pantry-emptying, cake baking session at my Mum's house on Sunday (ingredients: dried basil, cinnamon, sugar, sprinkles, flour, and water). This is one of Alyce's most favourite hobbies, but it was Shira's first time joining in the fun. She took her work very seriously. Not so serious was the impromptu roll down the hill when we picked up Alyce from school today. That last photo is Alyce dramatically ignoring my request for a grin. My heart broke for her again this morning as I dropped her off at school and she sobbed and sobbed, begging for me to stay with her. It's been two weeks, and while she clearly has a good time throughout the day, the idea of Kindergarten doesn't always impress her.

So it's the nineteenth Monday that I've been looking for work, which is depressing, but I'm trying to use today to regroup, to set an optimistic tone for the week. Sometimes I need to act the way I want to feel and this is one of those weeks when I need to act first. I know that I have a lot to offer an organization and I know that I'll find work. But it's hard to build momentum when everything feels like it's standing still. So like I said, act first. This week I'll act: I'll continue to apply for interesting positions, follow-up on as many applications as I can, and maybe shower every day.

How are you preparing for your week?

P.S. Shira's red t-shirt is just one of the many shirts I found packed away in my Mum's basement last week. It seems that my parents collected t-shirts for me when we traveled through Europe when I was very young. Today's t-shirt comes from Venice, where my parents traveled to on business when we lived in Florence. They saw the canals and ate delicious pasta, and I got this t-shirt.

Ten reasons I need to get back to work now

1. Because I need to pay rent. This is an important reason.

2. The employees at the local Starbucks have recently worked together to draft some legislation requiring that I stop referring to their coffee shop as "My Office."

3. I need a good reason to stop wearing That Old T-Shirt and Those Yoga Pants, because sheer will isn't quite enough.

4. My marriage is good. My marriage is strong. But even my marriage needs for me not to spend every waking moment with my husband. I think he is also drafting some legislation requiring that I finally find a job already, and that I stop referring to our home as "That Place I Never Leave."

5. Again, rent.

6. Because I'm pretty sure I'm eating/baking/eating my way through the pain of constant disappointment. I really need some co-workers upon whom to unleash my baking addiction.

7. I'm ready for a new challenge, especially now that I find myself in unknown, non-graduate-school territory. I've spent so much time giving thought to where I fit it, and now I need to give these thoughts some action.

8. So that we can begin saving for that vacation that we desperately need. And by vacation I mean without The Children and not to visit family. We love all of you, but we need some time away from life. Current vacation dreams include: England/Scotland, NYC, anywhere with a warm beach, anywhere that is not our house.

9. Even Alyce and Shira are sick of me. Actually, no they aren't. They would prefer to have me at their disposal every hour of the day to play princess, dress-up, hopscotch, and to nurse (Shira, that is). And for tea parties. And to randomly yell at me when I'm not bending to their will.

10. Because it's time to move forward.

I will get a job, I will get a job

This is an important lesson to remember when you’re having a bad day, a bad month, or a shitty year: things will change. You won’t feel this way forever. Sometimes the hardest lessons to learn are the ones your soul needs most. I believe you can’t feel real joy unless you know what it means to fail. — Kelly Cutrone, If You Have to Cry, Go Outside 

Thanks to Krystyn at Curly Braces for passing along this important message. She also started this little project called The Hope Revolution, and by little, I mean incredibly huge. Some people do really amazing things. She's inspired me to leave my own little note for someone today.

I'm not the only one

I discovered a new blog last week and it's a good one. Besides my general coveting of her New York City life (it is on my list, you know), it seems we are both in the same position of trying to find work, with a humanities degree in our pockets and some beautiful children to show for our time off. Among other things, nyc taught me is a place for Sharon to chronicle her job search, and share some of the tips she's received along the way. So in other words, rather than just complain about not finding work, she's actually doing something (in my defense, however, my complaining comes from a place of needing to pay rent)! When I read Sharon's opening description of her job search I realized we were kindred spirits:

My newest lesson: NYC Taught me that no one wants to hire anyone without professional experience.  The real kicker for me today was when I got rejected from a temp agency. I get it. I've wasted my twenties by having babies. But look at how good I am at it! I'm a baby making machine!

Find the rest of her post here.

 
So please do check it out and send your best job thoughts to the both of us!

A quick list

A quick ten things about my day, in case you are interested:

1. My mum invited me and The Children for a fancy lunch at her work, a beautiful inn and spa. Alyce enjoyed her first Shirley Temple.

2. I am sick with a summer cold and have blown my nose 4,987 times today.

3. It is a billion degrees today and don't even get me started about the humidity.

4. I am on the trail of a wonderful job that involves cheese. That's all I'm allowed to say at the moment. I am in no way close to getting the job at present, but I'm working on it.

5. In related news, I think I'm developing an intolerance to dairy. I probably should not be making that public, considering my potential career in cheese. But I'm an over-sharer and it was inevitable.

6. Shira is sick and teething. And still unbelievably cute.

7. I helped my grandparents prepare for their garage sale tomorrow morning. My grandparents spend a few years buying things they don't need at other people's garage sales, and then they have their own sale to get rid of it all. And then the cycle begins anew.

8. Matt and I have been keeping track of our our food spending lately and today we tallied up August. I am unwilling to reveal the actual dollar amount, but let me just say that we really enjoy eating. And we like the good olive oil. And the good chocolate. And the wine.

9. Alyce declared that she would like us to have two more kids. One will be named Alyce, she said, and the other will be named Shira. She's on to something, that girl.

10. I'm currently drooling all over the second season of Mad Men. Christina Hendricks is dreamy.


And your day? Hope it was cooler than mine.

No job means more ice cream

No matter how frustrating it is not to have found a job, the extra ice cream dates have been nice.


P.S. I'm tired after a long day of being a grown-up. Off to bed.
P.P.S. But before I go to bed, I need to point you in the direction of this wonderful post. For all the time we spend online it is good to be reminded of common sense civility. It's not about being nice, but about not being a dumbass.

When not looking for a job

The past few days have felt all-consuming, but really, they wasn't that much going on. Sometimes it feels as though not having a job is a lot of work. I feel as though I ought to be looking for work every second of the day, and since of course I'm not looking for work every second, I am very busy feeling very guilty that I'm not. You following me? Me neither, so yesterday afternoon I went to see a movie. By myself. To cope. Anyway, besides looking for work, my days are filled with the usual things. Like bathing Pomegranate because there was poop stuck to his tail. 

It is indeed a glamorous life.  Pomegranate really needs some professional grooming (Pomegranate, besides sometimes being a bit of a jerk, is also a lazy groomer. A sweet, lazy groomer), but cat grooming is not currently in our budget. He was a good sport about it, and had the full moral support of Hille, who is in love with him. Hille does indeed have a head, but he's too busy trying to lick Pomegranate to worry about camera time.

There was of course more dress-up. This Cinderella costume is her favourite, but it's a bit scratchy and not made of niece material. I'm planning on asking a friend's mother to make a new one for Halloween. Halloween is still a couple of months away, but we're already planning. Alyce will be a princess, I will be a princess, Matt will be a King, and last I heard Shira will be a bee. At least this is what Alyce declared this week. (Liz, if you're reading this, I think that toy in Alyce's mouth is something she swiped from camp this weekend. Sorry about that).

And there was colouring. A lot of colouring. I love watching Shira try so hard to be like her sister. I think she enjoys colouring in her own right, but there is nothing she loves more than to park herself near Alyce in a full-on colouring session. Shira spends a lot of time drawing on herself with markers, and often loses the caps, but most of the time Alyce is happy to have a craft partner, and I foresee years of Alyce passing down her crafty secrets to an eager Shira. Sometimes it will seem more like she's just being bossy, but I like to consider it more in the line of transmitting secret knowledge. Alyce just transmits loudly and firmly.

Wouldn't you like to join with some colouring? We have lots of projects to do this week. Tomorrow is my grandmother's birthday and we'll spend some time making her a card. I also came across these tiny hearts and I'm hoping to make a few over the weekend. There is something so lovely about sending Alyce to school with a little heart in her pocket. Did I mention she starts school next Tuesday? Oh, I'll be mentioning that a lot in the coming week. Because she's GOING TO SCHOOL. What?

Does anyone have a suggestion about things I should do while I'm still unemployed? The only requirement is that it can't cost a lot of money. You know, so we can save for the cat grooming.