Last night I collapsed on our bed after I tucked Shira into her crib around six-thirty. I'll just lay here for a little while, until Matt brings Alyce up for bed around seven or so. Then I'll get up and start my evening of work. Around one in the morning I peeled myself off the bed just long enough to remove my uncomfortable clothes and slip on pajamas. Then I returned to bed until just before six.
I guess I was tired.
I think more than anything my heart is a bit tired lately. I was going to say my head, but really it is my heart. Not getting into the midwifery program the first time around is not the end of the world, I know that. I will try again next year, and maybe by then I'll have a stronger application. That's all I can hope for. The problem isn't just the disappointment, but the momentum I lost when I received the news. I realize I sound a bit like a broken record, but this past year has been tough a one. For a good long while I was pushing through the tough most days because I was so excited about what would come next. I had a plan that included weathering some challenging moments so that I could get to something that I really wanted.
Now I need a new plan, and as I mentioned before, I threw a bit of an internal tantrum. I was hurt and disappointed that I didn't get an interview for school and angry that I had to start over. Again. The truth is, I still feel this way, the wounds taking some extra time to heal. When I'm in this position I spend a lot of time thinking things over in my head. I don't like to talk about it much (except when I do like to talk about it a lot, thanks Liz). For someone who likes to talk as much as I do this comes as a surprise. But it has everything to do with that part of me who wants to be perfect. If you ask me how I'm feeling about not getting into school I don't want to answer you until I have it all figured out. I want to have a good answer, or maybe even the right answer. That's a lot of pressure on myself, I know. I feel it, as much as I feel helpless against it.
Thankfully, I don't always have the freedom to spend too much time worrying about the What's Next. Because then I wouldn't have time to enjoy a moment like this one at the park over the weekend. See that expression on Shira's face? In the middle of all this mess, she reminds me to just give in to the good things. Like the new dolly she received from her Aunt Doris last week, or the swing, or the sunshine on her face. There are people in my life who keep reminding me to have some patience, that everything will work out. I know they are right. I'm just a slow learner.
When I have patience, even just a little, I can watch Alyce look out for Shira at the park, keeping close behind her as she climbs the stairs to slide for the first time. She's growing into her role of big sister beautifully, with all the intensity and passion being a sister demands. Patience also gives me the chance to enjoy my walk to school with Alyce (some of the best ten minutes of my day), or to appreciate my Passover parsley, the little parsley seeds that could. I was expecting a fuller pot after we planted the seeds back in February, but these beautiful green sprouts served our little Passover seder well. We had a quiet first seder at home and then visited friends for wonderful second night. Happy Passover to all of you celebrating this week!
Patience also leads to tangible rewards. Like the job Matt was offered last week. Just before Passover he was offered a position in academia for another year. Another year is a great place to start. He had given up any real expectation that he would ever be Professor again, and I'm grateful that he has this new opportunity. He's a passionate teacher and thoughtful researcher, and the university will be lucky to have him. He will take up his new position this summer and for the time being we will make some more of those new plans, like finding an apartment in Toronto. I'm not yet sure what this move will mean for me, but I know it will bring more good things for our family. And for my heart.