Yes

You guys. They said yes. They actually said yes. 

I will begin midwifery school this fall, though I wish I could start tomorrow.  I've waited years, years, to become a midwife. I could go on and on (and I probably will for weeks, so bear with me) about how long I've wanted to do this for my future. Now I am here to tell you that things can happen. Dreams and big ideas and tiny goals that you only whisper to yourself late at night are real. I am so excited I might just float away.

If you see me floating around, just let me go. I want to bottle this feeling and carry it with me as I throw myself into what will be the busiest, most demanding, four years of my life. I want to dance around and twirl and declare to most anybody that I'm going to be a midwife. I think I'll be a good one.

I'm not sure what this will mean for this blog. I'm about to embark on a very busy summer leading up to a very busy fall, and a very busy winter, and you get the idea. Will I have time to return here, to store little bits of my everyday life while the whirlwind takes off around me? I hope so. This blog is where I come to exhale, and I'll need that more than ever as the year continues. But there is so much real life going on that deserves my attention, I can't make any promises to myself. I'll just take it one busy day at a time.

Now, bring on the babies.

Be well!

On returning

Returning to Nana's

 My mum welcomes these beasts with open arms every time.

What do you do when you need to collapse and step way from life for a day or two? I go to my mum's house. She no longer lives in the house I grew up in (my grandparents actually live in that house now, so I'm still able to visit some of the favourite places of my childhood, like the secret fairy garden that still grows outside what used to be my bedroom window), but because it is where my mum lives, it's home. Occasionally I feel a bit juvenile returning to mum so often, but sometimes it's just exactly what I need.

It could be that she feeds me some of my favourite foods (I'll be there briefly this coming Sunday and I'll be asking her to make this soup again) or that the red wine flows freely (which it does), or even that she loves my girls *almost* more than I do. But it isn't quite any of those things exactly. There is something about being in my mum's presence that just makes be feel strong and it's always been that way, since the beginning of us.

At mum's house there are king-size beds.

Alyce's work of art

Snail and worm, detail

Or maybe that's just what love feels like. Glorious strength, rooted in relationship with another person.That's the only possible explanation for allowing your grandchildren to draw pictures on your pantry walls, right? Only fierce love could do that. That, and drunkenness, which while I promise you there was wine, my mother only gets giggly when she drinks champagne.

Sadly, there was no champagne this weekend. Maybe the next weekend.

Whatever the feeling, whatever the reason I have for returning again and again for short visits (or long ones, but that was just once), this is what I do. When I daydream about Alyce and Shira growing older I always fantasize about those times when they return to me. They'll leave me to explore, to love, to fail, to put one foot in front of the other, but they'll return, or at least I hope they will. I wonder what kinds of food they'll want me to cook, or what special things I'll sneak into their bags as they leave again.

I was taken by this blossoming turnip in my mother's kitchen.

I asked my mum if we could visit last weekend because I told her the girls were missing her. Which they were, deeply. My mum has been written into the foundation of our family, not only because we lived with her for so long last year, but because she comes with me, as I do with her. We are a bit of a package, the two of us. I really wanted to visit because I needed a quick recharging after my interview last Friday (which was hard, but still felt good). The four of us threw ourselves together and drove to Cambridge for a quick sleepover, just time enough to enjoy my mum's home and to feel a little bit more like myself again.

It worked.

Update: This was the post I had intended to publish last Monday, but couldn't. This week's Sunday visit I mentioned above turned into two days, and yes, this time there was champagne, and yes, my mum did get the giggles.

Monday sucked

I've been all talk of regular posting lately, and on Monday afternoon I was about hit publish on an update about my weekend to kick off a week of regular updates, but then I heard about the explosions at the Boston Marathon and I couldn't hit publish. Later that night I heard that an eight-year-old boy died in the explosions and I just didn't know what to do. I know eight-year-old boys (and five-year-old girls and almost-three-year-old girls) who have families who love them and need them, and I'm just so sad.

I do not enjoy running, not even a little bit. As my friend Larissa declares, I'm a lover, not a runner. But I love marathoners. I think they are a bit wacky, but I love them for it. I love how they believe in themselves enough to run for hours and hours for apparently no reason (I'm sure they have reasons but I just can't for the life of me figure them out). I love that they push themselves and how they are supported and cheered on by thousands of strangers. Anyway, like I said, I'm just so sad about the whole thing. My husband went to college in Boston and has for years told me about how special this days is in Boston. He gets this lovely, nostalgic grin on his face and tells me about how the Red Sox play an early game before the marathon ends, how almost everything shuts down so that people can be there to cheer on the marathoners as they cross the finish line. I just don't understand.

Anyway, I'm back to my regularly scheduled life, as we all need to do, but I just want to declare that Monday sucked.

Be well and smile at someone today, because I just don't know what else there is to do but offer some love.

Photo from The Boston Globe

Today I have an interview

Alyce, 1 day old.

Maybe you remember last year, when I didn't even get an interview. I had applied to midwifery school with so much passion and excitement it never occurred to me that I wouldn't get an interview. When I got the letter my heart was broken, but the world didn't collapse. Doesn't that always happen? We get so worked up and teary (or sobby, as it happens with me), and then in the end, we adjust. Plans change, new ideas emerge, and we move forward.

Now it's a year later and I am one step closer. Today I have an interview for midwifery school. I am roughly equal parts thrilled and nervous. I'm standing at this place where I want something so badly yet I know, I just know, that everything will be fine no matter what. I'm coming to see, stubborn as I am, that I have everything I need already. I am built to be a midwife, but I'm build for many other things, too.

As I make the final preparations for my interview later today, I find myself thinking about my midwives, the women who helped me bring both my children into the world. Thank you Houley, Andrea, Lindsey, Manavi, Katie, Sarah, Nicole, and Dorinda. They supported me and inspired me, and I am forever grateful. Thank you for making me feel safe when I was scared, for encouraging me when I doubted myself, and for catching those slippery babies, especially Shira, who was enormous.

Be well!

Shall we reintroduce ourselves?

Hi there, I'm Danielle. 

You might recognize me from my previous roles as a regular blogger and occasional list maker. It's been awhile, hasn't it? As it happens, life got Busy. The kind of busy where I wasn't returning emails, wasn't home to tuck my girls into bed as often as I wasted to be, and was showering only every other day at best. It was the kind that kept me away from writing. But oh how I miss the writing.

Since January things have felt extra charged. Everything was changing, mostly for the good, and the mood in our house was an only slightly organized chaos. Shira grew up when we weren't paying attention. She's bossier than every, though less frightening now to unsuspecting children and elderly people (translation: she yells less frequently at complete strangers). She started daycare last week. Clears her own dishes from the table.

Yes, that's right. Shira now attends daycare. My teeny, tiny baby, who turns three next month, is now leaving the house each morning carrying a bumble bee backpack and a grin a mile wide. I have a lot more to say about daycare, but I'm not ready to yet. Once I adjust to this new reality I'll have some things to share, but until then let me tell you that as complicated as this development is, it also feels very easy. 

Having the days to myself allows me to work on my two jobs during the daylight hours without having to constantly negotiate with Matt and his work to cover child care. I won't have to pretend to work late into the night when I'm really falling asleep at my desk. I'm getting busier as a doula especially and it was time to take this step. And for the first time since December (otherwise known as the last day Shira breastfed), she is napping. It was time. It is time. Nevertheless I miss her terribly. 

And so I am returning after months of here-and-there posting. I love writing this blog and I'm so excited to have some more time to post here once again, if you'll have me. Things around here might even change a bit in the next few weeks, I think. So, until tomorrow, I leave you with some photos from the past few weeks. I hope you'll stop by and catch me up on what's been going on with you. 

Be well.

Help Wanted: List-maker seeks schedule

I have a lot of notebooks, and I go back and forth between feeling strengthened by their piles of lists and notes and feeling completely helpless against their enormity, a mountain of expectations. Sometimes when I steal away from home and sit before one or two notebooks or random pieces of paper filled to the margins with ideas, or rough drafts, I feel free, ready to jump right into a task. Like yesterday when I was reviewing some brainstorming notes I made with Alex about some exciting new business plans, my lists lifted me up and got me to work. (I'm so excited to share these with you, but not quite yet. I have to organize the parade first.) And then there's today, where the many, many lists and notes and drafts are staring me down, taunting me, teasing me, and nudging me to get going already.

All things considered, I think this is my brewing time. I've had this process for a long time, where I sit with a project, worry about it for a long while, panic that it isn't done yet, before I realize that I was making progress all along. Working can't always be about action, but requires reflection, a moment to untangle all the moving pieces. Of course a person such as myself sometimes rests too long in this place of reflection and then moves into a place of oh-crap-this-needs-to-get-done-yesterday. (As a lifelong procrastinator, this article was a breath of fresh air, a reminder that my putting things off comes from a place of deep fear about not being perfect. Fuck perfect. And thanks, Kaylie, for passing this along.) This is where my lists and notes come in, reminding me that work does still require action after all. This is also why one of my 100 resolutions includes finding a new way to organize my time (this isn't the first time I've cried out to the internet about how to make the most out of my lists). Reflection isn't effective if all those good ideas are lost before they can be put to good use.

Lest you think I'm beating myself up over not doing enough work, I'm not. As much as I struggle with being perfect and doing perfectly, I know I'm human. I'm just strategizing out loud on blog, working through my ideas in front of your very eyes. You know how the internet is always telling us to stop multitasking and be calm and quiet about everything? How can I not multitask when I'm a working adult with two children, a home, pets, friends, loved ones, a city to explore, and futures to imagine? No, it can't be done. While I'll throw myself into finding a way to structure my days and work time in such a way that will minimize unnecessary stress (and anxiety, since I'm wired that way), I can't ignore the variety of responsibilities I have. I just can't.

But I will try to remember to breathe.

Back to my lists, which really means, back to finding a strategy to get everything done. The best strategy I find is just sitting down to work, but sometimes that's harder than it sounds, because sometimes sitting down to work really means: how do I make sense of all of this? How do I teach and grade and create and support and feed and sweep (mostly I don't sweep) and hopefully get some rest all in this short, short, day? I have lists for my teaching, lists for my doula work, lists for how to fill my kitchen (with really good food, please) and for who needs all new t-shirts (Alyce, because she won't stop growing). Which list to turn to first? How do I combine lists? All of a sudden those notebooks are staring at me again.

Breathe.

So I'm getting to work on one of my resolutions this week: Try out some new time management tips and see what works best (#74). And here is where you come in: can you give a girl a hand and send me your best ideas? Do you have something that works for you? Do you have a favourite blog on the topic? Any words of advice (only friendly ones, please and thank you)? I'm asking for help because it's something I'm getting better at doing, almost at least once a week now. I ask Matt for help on this topic All The Time, but because he's my husband I sometimes only half listen to him (sorry, my darling). Because he's so handsome I can't concentrate! (There you go.)

Here is what I am looking for:

:: A plan that uses lists because I love lists. They help the visual part of my brain do its magic.
:: I'm not looking for an online app or list tool because they don't seem to work for me, even though I spend a lot of time in front of my computer or phone. I need the doodling, random scribbling of an old-fashioned notebook.
:: Something that incorporates big and small deadlines, that might help me learn to calculate how best to break down a task and estimate the time it will take to accomplish it.
:: To schedule or not to schedule: how do we figure out which one works?
:: Encouragement.

I'll be back in the next few days (for real this time) to outline some of my jobs/projects/goals as well as my general responsibilities as I see them. Just in case you thought I lounged at home wondering how to begin my napping business.

Will you help? In return I offer you my mum's Mexican Tortilla Soup recipe, stolen from one of my many notebooks (there's more than just lists in these books). When I visit my mum I ask her to make this for me every time because it feeds my soul, and love of salt and lime.

P.S. Alyce did it again. This time it was a button.
P.P.S. Sorry for swearing, mum.

Be well!

How to visit the ROM with young children

Behind the Scenes

I should tell you it took two hours to get us there. Yes, we live in the middle of Toronto, but don't let that deceive you. Going anywhere with children adds years to most outings. First it took me a full hour to Prepare All The Things. What does a family of four need for a trip the Royal Ontario Museum? I'd be happy to tell you: diapers, wipes, a full change of clothes for two children, three, filled water bottles, tea, snacks, dinner, more snacks, two umbrellas, a stroller, an extra stroller seat in case I get Alyce gets tired on the way home, change for the subway, an extra sweater, and mittens and hats in case the weather changes later that night. Once that was done I just had to get two young children ready to get out of the house. Easy! (Matt was meeting us there from work, lucky duck.)

That took one hour. Next up was a 40 minute walk to the subway that takes me 15 when I walk by myself. Shira was bundled in the stroller, but then we have to account for Alyce's dawdling, because there are puddles! And things that look like worms! And a pile of melting snow! And an airplane! We finally arrived, wet from the rain, but motivated by our collective excitement to see dinosaur bones.

10 minutes later we found ourselves still excited about bones, but less excited by the fact that we were on a subway platform, a mere block away from the museum, but in front of a sign alerting us that the elevators at St. George station were down for maintenance. Awesome. Fortunately I only had one level to ascend and found an escalator on which to awkwardly balance the front wheel of my enormous stroller. (I was traveling on the north-south line; had I been coming from the dreaded east or west I would have had to unpack Shira from the stroller, help her up the stairs, and then carry the double stroller by myself, reassembling the entire package at the top.)

We made, two hours later but relatively unharmed. It's March Break in Ontario, so Alyce is off school all week. Matt and I are dividing up the week in terms of work and being home with the girls, but we wanted to do something special as a family. We have a membership at the Ontario Science Centre, but we visit the ROM much less frequently. (Note to self: living in Toronto is a good, good thing.) There has been a special dinosaur exhibit on for months with some new-to-North American-museums dinosaur bones from South America, Africa, and Asia. I've been meaning to take Alyce for some time, but like most things I waited until its last week in Toronto. However, the plus side to my procrastination this time around is that admission to the Ultimate Dinosaurs exhibit during March Break, after 4:30 pm, is 35% off. Finally, waiting until the last minute pays off.

What to expect while visiting the Royal Ontario Museum with young children

Excitement
Silliness
Chaos
Interest
Fear of bats (re: bat cave)
Stickers
Bouncing
Running
A meltdown or two, especially if you're there in late afternoon or evening.

All of the above, plus:

You'll learn things: If you have a child in kindergarten who just finished a unit on dinosaurs, she will probably tell you things like, That dinosaur must have been a herbivore because its teeth are flat, or, That's a fossilized skull. I do, and mine did. Next she'll tell me that when I travel in space I'll need to wear an oxygen tank because there isn't any oxygen in space, which we need to breathe. No wait, she already told me that last week.

They'll dress up like a dinosaur: The dress-up clothes in the kids section will probably be their favourite part and you'll remember that you've been meaning to find some non-princess, non-fairy, non-ballerina clothes for their dress-up bins at home. I can't really roll my eyes over their daily need to dress up like princesses when all of their dress-up clothes are, wait for it, princess dresses. I'm not always the smartest parent.

The bees are always winners: At the ROM you'll find bees--real live, buzzing, honey-making bees. They can buzz back and forth between their hive and the outside world through a plastic pipe running through a nearby window (to taunt the nearby university students, Matt declared). The best part is that the bee keeper kindly painted a white dot on the Queen Bee so that she's easy to find amidst all the other manic honey bees. Once your child spots the Queen he'll receive a sticker that declares his Queen Bee finding mission a success. Success!

If you're looking for something to do this week, the Ultimate Dinosaurs are only there until March 17th. If you want to avoid large crowds of people, you might want to skip the fancy dinosaurs and just go next week. Not that they're not awesome, but there is an entire museum to see, and your kids will probably just want to play dress-up anyway.

How is your March Break going?

Be well.