I've become very fond of you in this short time we've been together. You know how much I like to write, and as a trained academic I can enjoy (or, loathe) some good critical self-reflection as much as the next girl. I started this blog for many reasons. Some days this is about joining a conversation that, until now, I've only eagerly watched from the sidelines. Sure I've commented now and then and reached out to a few people, but for the most part I've been silent, and as hard as it is to admit sometimes, lonely. It's been two years since I arrived in the U.S. and it has taken me as long to begin meeting some new friends. I love my husband. A lot. But Matt has had to serve as husband, co-parent, best friend, casual acquaintance, walking buddy, food-tester, masseuse, and co-conspirator. He needs a break, don't you think? But no pressure.
Blog, you know as well as I do that I'm here because I wanted some space with room enough to say out loud I'm making some big changes. That's it, you've heard it here first (all three of you): I have decided to stop working on my PhD after six years (finally, sighs Matt, who has been listening to me go back and forth on this one for a very long time). I will not continue writing my dissertation or pursue academic jobs. I will try something else. And blog, this is where you come in. I have ruminated quietly about this for so long and gotten no where, so it's time to try something different.
So naturally I've been avoiding you. Coming to terms with this decision has been a challenge (that might be an understatement) and what has surprised me so much in the short time since I've started this blog is just how important honesty is. Is it strange that it feels impossible to lie to you? Shouldn't the relative anonymity of a blog give me some freedom to stretch the truth a bit? Couldn't I make myself more courageous than I feel? Nope.
But I've started this and you can't be rid of me that easily. So expect me back here tomorrow, and maybe even the day after that.