Raise your hand if you wish you had more energy?

Shira rests, briefly.

I spend most of days around two wee ones with more combined energy than, well, anything I've ever known. I'm sure all of you with young children feel the same way, and wonder, as I do, what it is that we're feeding these kids. Where does all the energy come from? They just don't ever stop. They fill their days (actually) hopping from one new discovery to the next, running instead of walking, skipping instead of strolling, talking instead of breathing. The world is so big, so exciting, that they can't contain their passion for living. Exhausted as I am some days, I am grateful to be in the proximity of this energy. Lately, instead of feeling overwhelmed by their endurance, I am feeling just a little bit motivated by it.

I have been in hiding lately. But I needed some time to realize that their energy could motivate me instead of just making me very, very tired.

I have tried so many times in the past couple of weeks to share things on this blog, and every time I've fallen short of putting two words together. Yes, life is busy and gets in the way, but life is always busy. It always gets in the way. No, it isn't just about not having the time. It has more to do with not having enough of a voice. I'm not quite sure how to put into words how I'm feeling lately, how to talk about my days, or how to imagine what I want for the future. I feel a bit stalled, stuck in place. Each time I try to speak or write I draw a blank. For someone who has as much to say about the world as I do, it comes as a surprise. But amidst all of the good things, life can still feel overwhelming.

***

I've suffered from depression before, particularly when Alyce was young and I was isolated from my familiar friends and family while we lived in Delaware. That was tough, and for now I'll leave it at that. Today, this time, it feels different. Instead of depression I feel more as though I resemble a slug.

I am without energy. We are planning for the future, I am working on new projects (like the online course I finally start teaching tomorrow), and I am adapting more and more to staying home with The Children. Of course some days are harder than others, especially those days when the three of us are stuck home, inside, feeling a bit stir-crazy, but most days it's good. In spite of these blessings, I am still slug-like. I feel incapable of enjoying so much of my day because my stores of energy, both mental and physical, are low. I've tried to acquire more energy from the sheer force of will alone, but it's not working, and I'm just left with a hurting brain (willing requires extreme concentration, but I'm just too tired to concentrate that hard. See above re: slug). It turns out that I'm actually going to have to do something different. I need to make some changes.

I'm in a rut. In some ways I was pushed into this rut on account of some very practical life details, such as moving countries, unemployment, living with my mum and stepfather for the past six months (which, of course, I am eternally grateful for), and I accept that I have been challenged a bit more than I've wanted to in the past year. But I know who I am and somewhere underneath all of these challenges is a person who is optimistic, passionate, and confident. I know these things are not lost and I'm desperate to make an effort to rediscover these things. This rut has been in the making for a long time now, and I need to speak up for myself again. Of course I speak all the time (overshare much, Danielle?) but it is a particular voice I fear I've lost lately. A voice that is confident enough to declare what I want in my life instead of feeling silenced by, well ... I'm not exactly sure what has silenced me.

I have a few ideas. I spend a lot of time apologizing for past mistakes and focusing on mistakes is a surefire way to suck out a person's confidence (take it from me). The problem is that it's hard to stop apologizing. Of course I'd rather think about new opportunities, and I really am an optimist, but it's a bit of a vicious cycle: as soon as my confidence started to waiver I would worry more about mistakes I'd made in the past because I was quickly convincing myself that I was incapable of doing things differently. I was soon convincing myself that I would always make the wrong decision (such as staying in a graduate program I wasn't happy in) or planning poorly for my family (not saving money for what turned out to be a year-long emergency of unemployment). And these mistakes I'm apologizing for? These go back years, not just the past year or two. I still have guilt about decisions I made in high school. Could I be more ridiculous?  If I keep up this way my confidence doesn't stand a chance.

***

I follow Andrea over at Superhero Journal because I am consistently inspired by the way she lives her life. With confidence. With excitement. Always with purpose. I have all of these things, but sometimes I forget where I keep them. She has a tradition wherein she chooses one word for the upcoming year, a way for her to focus on her goals, to direct her steps, so to speak. She usually chooses this word at the beginning of the year (one year her word was thrive), and as much as I have wanted to follow in her footsteps and start the year off with some focus of my own, I've been stuck. Four months it has taken me to come up with my word. (Remember? Slug.)

Vibrant. Vigorous. Lively. Vital.

I am craving some vibrancy in my life again. The word vibrant, or, rather, my word vibrant (because I am choosing it for myself, to play with for the next year), can remind me what I crave so very much in my life. It isn't something I can have, but something I need to feel. Losing my confidence made me feel powerless, and feeling powerless stole my energy, allowing for sometimes-bad habits to turn into all-the-time-terrible habits.

So I have my word, my magic. Now I need to find out what is contributing to my lack of energy, practically speaking, and then banish those things from my life. (Except The Children. They are my muses. Exhausting muses.) Having declared my intention to feel vibrant again, I am now working on an inventory of things (both physical and emotional) in my life that threaten to steal my confidence or deplete my energy. I am not a slug. I can do this.

Next step? A list of energy-stealing offenders. You know I love a good list. Coming soon.

Vancouver, Part two

At Granville Island

This time last week I was enjoying a visit with an old friend, and by old I mean that we graduated university together twelve years ago (yikes). She lives in Seattle and found some time to drive up to my dad's house on her way to Whistler for the weekend. I would love to share some photos from our visit, but between her children, mine, and my tiny sister, we had five kids four and under that afternoon. There were kids in every direction, chasing each other, crying, laughing, colouring, and begging for snacks at a constant rate. It is always good to spend time with a best friend, but we really do need to find a way to get together without The Children. Maybe just once.

My Sydney

I was grateful for the visit and it's one of the reasons I was willing to fly across the country with two young ones on my own. The other reasons included: spending time with my brother, Noah, and getting to know my sister, Sydney. Damn it, Canada, for being so vast and enormous. I don't begrudge them living all the way in Vancouver (it's an intoxicating place), but I do wish we were closer. A few other reasons to visit: spending time with Dad, watching bad TV in bed with Kate, being able to come home with two new pairs of shoes (thank, Dad, for working in the shoe business).

Impromptu nail painting part, Vancouver-style

How did Friday get here already? Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for its arrival. Matt has been working at a new (temporary) job and it's taking the entire family a little time to get used to the new schedule. He's working in Toronto, which means that he's leaving our house at six in the morning and coming home around seven at night. Since Shira has been sleeping in until six since we returned from our Pacific Standard Time trip (alert the media) Matt doesn't see Shira from Sunday night to Saturday morning. Alyce has been staying up late to see him at the end of the day, with a new bedtime of eight o'clock, but it makes for a long day. Without our second car I am a little stranded at home (and, yes, that is an open invitation to come visit us). I can still walk to a few places, but it's not like living in a big city where you can travel easily without a car. It's been a good week, but an adjustment. We are both mostly relieved for some income beyond my part-time job, but some days I miss my complete, all in the same room at the same time, family.

Oh, transitions. You do this to me every time.

So hello Friday. Glad to see you again. Matt will be home tonight for a late Shabbat dinner and I cannot wait to just spend some time with my best guy. We've barely seen each other since the drive home from the airport last weekend. And so here are my weekend plans: lounge on the couch with my entire family (see note above, re: all in the same room), and get some of my own work done while Matt and The Children have their own fun.

And you? What are your plans?
Happy Friday!

Regroup

So we're back from Vancouver and it is time to regroup. The news last week sent my world spinning a little bit, but I'm back. We're back. It's now time to slowly piece together a new plan for the next year or two. There are times when I stubbornly, in true tantrum fashion, refuse to make another plan. We have been doing nothing but making plans for a very long time now! But then I think, maybe all this practice will finally make perfect, right? So now that my tantrum is over, I will use my experience in planning for the good. I'll be sure to keep you posted.

For now, for Monday, we are settling in back home. With some extra sleep for this morning (hello time change!), Alyce is back at school after missing last week for our visit out west. My heart felt lighter this morning after watching her kindergarten class welcome her back like a rock star returning from a world tour, or an astronaut returning from the first trip to Jupiter. Alyce was greeted by enormous hugs and loud cheers from her class. She gave me the widest grin and I know she felt special. And she is special.

Shira and I are spending the day at home. We're making muffins (again), catching up on Smash, and slowly unpacking. As she naps this afternoon I'm reintroducing myself to some work that was waiting for me, something I'm enjoying very much. It's good for my brain to focus on my teaching for now.

I'll be posting some (many) photos from our trip later today, so I'll thank you in advance for indulging me. For now, I wish you the very best of Mondays!

P.S. Thank you so much for all the kind messages you've sent me over the past few days. It means everything.

Vortex

It feels like more things have happened in the last two weeks than I can even begin to explain here.  Lucky for you I'm an oversharer, so I'll try my best.

If I had to chose a word to describe these weeks I would choose the word vortex, as in turbulent swirling and spinning around our little family, emphasis on us being stuck in the middle of it all. There is movement and chaos all around, both emotional and physical. Every few days or so I make everyone stop, just for a moment, so that I may account for all of our whereabouts. Shira's still here? Good. Is she eating dog food again? Gross. Whatever. Matt, you're doing ok? Have the girls driven you to madness yet? No? Yes? Probably? Alyce, you're four, right? You haven't had any other birthdays? Alright then, let's get back to it. 

Truthfully, the ground started spinning when we decided to make Canada home back in May.  There was moving in with mum while Matt taught in Europe, the beginning of my job search, moving into our new place, more job searching. There was junior kindergarten and recruiters (but not recruiters for junior kindergarten). There were immigration applications and waiting around for letters that tell us Matt can stay. Most of the spinning was fueled by my lack of job. After five months of looking unsuccessfully I took a job at a Large Bookstore that required getting up at 3:45 am in order to start the early shift of unpacking a thousand copies of The Help. That job was interrupted after only two weeks when I was offered a temp job in an office, that from this point forward will only be referred to as The Abyss of Misguided Souls (TAMS). It was not a nice place to work, and for the time being, I will leave it at. (Update: I have made changes here since the original post.)

So the other day I had had enough and I quit my job at The Abyss of Misguided Souls, but only after finding another part-time job and after telling my recruiting agency about the conditions at TAMS. There have been apologies issued, investigations launched, and most of all, I DO NOT WORK THERE ANYMORE! My heart feels lighter and my shoulders have relaxed a bit. For now I am happily working for my old boss who runs a delicious catering company and burger joint. She has offered for me a job for as long as I need it, with the freedom to drop it as soon as I find a permanent, full-time job. She is good people and I am grateful.

But there's more. After seven months of no income/low income, it was becoming difficult to support a household. Did you know that it is difficult to pay bills when you are making zero dollars an hour? Starting work at TAMS helped, but the salary didn't anywhere near cover what our family needed. Can I, just for a moment, let out a whimper over the last seven months? In the end being here is the right thing for our family, but it has not been easy. Between wanting to find a job that makes good use of my skills and experiences, waiting for Matt's immigration papers, and not having money to pay bills, the collective stress levels of our family were on the rise. And so the world kept on swirling and we moved back in with my mum and stepfather. They were generous and gracious and welcomed up back home. The move is almost complete and we are settling into our new space. Of course it's not easy some days, but it's what our family needs until we get ourselves settled in paying, non-terrible jobs.

I think that's enough about our little vortex for the time being. We are all well, moving forward, and just a little bit dizzy.

Things I am feeling right now

  Shira deals with all these transitions.

Things I am feeling right now:

Exhausted from a rotten cold.

Frustrated by my bumpy transition into office/data entry life.

A little beside myself with how much I miss The Children when I'm gone for ten hours every day.

Saddened that I only saw Alyce for 24 minutes today.

Happy that birthday week is coming up.

Full of pizza.

I've got lots to tell you about my first week at my new job, but that will have to wait. For now, I must sleep, and get excited about the weekend coming up! I've never before understood just how vital the weekend is until now. Now, I get it. I'm all over it. Bring on the weekend.

What do you have planned for the weekend? Do you have any suggestions to offer this weekend novice on how to make the most of my two days of freedom?