Ten things I have learned about midwifery school

1. We are an eager bunch.

Some of us applied more than once to get in (just like I did).  To say that we take things seriously doesn't even skim the surface of just how much effort we are all putting in to make this program work, and some of us will at some point even need to relocate somewhere else in the province to complete our clinical placements. But some of us have waited close to twenty years to follow this dream to be a midwife (that would be me again), so yes, we're eager. The energy in our classrooms is phenomenal because we're all want this so much. This isn't to say we don't all struggle some weeks, because I'm sure we all do. But it feels good to love what you do.

 

2. We cry at the drop of a hat.

Oh, we're an emotional bunch. I remember updating my facebook status after the first day of orientation in August, declaring to my little world that I had never before joined anything where its members cry because they are so grateful to be there. I remember some really excited people in my first undergrad, those kids who had all their books and papers at the ready, all their pens lined up in a row (me), but I'll wager that not a single one of my fellow Liberal Arts majors teared up at the prospect of their first class English Poetry class.

We cry a lot. In class. Out of class. On the subway. We're learning so much about what midwifery care means, about what it takes to care for clients we'll some day have the honour of working with, and sometimes we just can't help ourselves. Seriously, this is emotional work. We're observing births and watching families come alive. And the babies!

This beautiful breast was created by my friend, Kyla Austin. She also made me a uterus and placenta. I am rich in anatomy.

3. Our teachers expect us to do a lot of work.

Our professors are midwives, social scientists, science scientists, and the whole lot of them work us pretty hard. This term was just a ton of reading, preparing, writing, and general nail biting. I am eternally grateful that I decided to take my anatomy and physiology course out of the way this summer (see above re: eager), because I would have been drowning this term with an extra science course. The midwifery program is divided into course work (1.5 years) and clinical placements (2.5 years), and while we all know this first year and a half of courses is easier than the juggle of constant learning on placement, it doesn't make things feel any easier now, or last week when I was writing what felt like the longest literature review of all time.

Here's the thing: I've been in school a few times before (ahem), so I felt like the transition to midwifery school wouldn't be so hard. I'm sure you know where this is going. Writing a master's thesis was a lot of hard work, and the PhD comprehensive exams were a killer. But this program sort of took me by surprise, what with the constant (and I mean constant) deadlines of assignments. And have I mentioned the readings? One course in particular (I'm looking at you, Nadya) has us reading piles (actual piles) of articles each week. But do you know what the amazing thing is? Everyone comes to class prepared and ready to learn (more on that below). It blows my mind just how hard everyone works. This program demands so much but it seems to have met its match in this group of future-midwives I've surrounded myself with this year.

4. We are surrounded by pictures of cervixes and vaginas pretty much all the time.

Speaking of being surrounded: they are everywhere. I'm not just talking about diagrams in our text books, but models of them at every turn. The program has one large classroom dedicated to midwifery classes, and since it's the same room most of the clinical training takes place in, all the cupboards and counters are actually overflowing with vaginas, a pelvis or two, and an entire cabinet filled with babies (dolls, that is). It's nice though, because sometimes we'll be discussing a really heavy topic that has us all thinking hard and squirming in our seats, and then I'll look over at a baby doll poking out of a life size torso on the counter next to me, and perspective returns. One day one of our professors suggested if we weren't used to everything being all-vagina-all-the-time that we should stand in front of the mirror and just say vagina over and over again to get used to it.

Say it with me: vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina. Good.

5. The program is overflowing with intelligent, thoughtful, and generous women.

I am fairly certain that in four years Ontario is going to have some amazing new midwives. (I'm sure each year there is a new crop of similarly wonderful new midwives, but this is the group I know and I'm sweet on them.) This program has introduced me to some of the most kindhearted, intelligent, compassionate women I've ever met. And they work their asses off. They make me laugh constantly and drink almost as much coffee as I do. And the support! I've heard rumours of competitive programs where students stand in each others' way. Not in this class. If one of us has spent hours looking for an article we need, we post it for others to use. Need someone to edit your paper? Done. Printer out of paper? Send it to one of us and we'll bring it to class for you. We even offer unsolicited dating advice. It seems we've already got each others' backs.

6. My children have already started asking if I'm a midwife yet.

Just three years and five months to go!

7. I am learning so, so much.

And my brain hurts. It hurts so bad sometimes, but for all the right reasons. Inferential statistics, representations of birth in literature, racism in Ontario midwifery, medical research studies on home births versus hospital births, learning to use our pagers, accessible health care, correlation graphs. And we haven't even begun to talk about the vaginas yet!

8. Getting two little ones ready for school and daycare each morning before I leave for midwifery school is a total zoo.

It's a gong show. Matt started a new job just a few weeks before school started and it means that he leaves the house at 6:30 every morning (Toronto traffic is awesome). Since Shira and Alyce go to different places each morning, in two different directions, and because my classes start too early for me to drop Alyce off at the school bell some mornings, we had initially hired a friend to walk them to daycare and school each morning (thank you, Seamus). About halfway through the term, however, we needed to start saving some money (pesky tuition) and I took on the task myself. We walk a bit, take a bus, walk some more, drop off Shira, then Alyce and I walk twenty more minutes to school. I like that we use our feet to get places instead of always needing a car, but lately I've been daydreaming about time travel and teleportation. Or at least of a daycare that is next to Alyce's school. Also, I was late to half my classes in the second half of term.

I'm learning this is life.

9. School/life balance is tricky.*

You guys, I'm really bad at this part. Like REALLY bad. I am good at a lot of things (fast reader, decent baker, loyal friend) but time management is at the way bottom of the list of things I can do. This always stumps me because another thing I am good at is working hard. So if I'm a hard worker, why can't I seem to find a way to get my work done in a way that doesn't completely stress my family?

I've never done this before, that is, attempt a rigorous program while raising young children. In the past I could leave my work until the two or three days before a deadline and then work straight for 3 days and get it done. Now if when I do that it means that I am shirking a ton of family responsibilities. I know, I know, part of the problem is just that there is so much to do. School, work (I still teach an online university course), and family is a lot to squeeze into 24 hours. And yes, my sleep and health have suffered. Not cool. But there has to be a way to work so that I can give some of my time to my family with less stress. I'm not looking for a perfect system, just something that works for us. I'm going to think about this one and get back to you.

10. I still can't believe I'm lucky enough to do this.

I am the luckiest overwhelmed/exhausted/ecstatic/nervous/happy midwifery student ever.

*Understatement of the decade

Yes

You guys. They said yes. They actually said yes. 

I will begin midwifery school this fall, though I wish I could start tomorrow.  I've waited years, years, to become a midwife. I could go on and on (and I probably will for weeks, so bear with me) about how long I've wanted to do this for my future. Now I am here to tell you that things can happen. Dreams and big ideas and tiny goals that you only whisper to yourself late at night are real. I am so excited I might just float away.

If you see me floating around, just let me go. I want to bottle this feeling and carry it with me as I throw myself into what will be the busiest, most demanding, four years of my life. I want to dance around and twirl and declare to most anybody that I'm going to be a midwife. I think I'll be a good one.

I'm not sure what this will mean for this blog. I'm about to embark on a very busy summer leading up to a very busy fall, and a very busy winter, and you get the idea. Will I have time to return here, to store little bits of my everyday life while the whirlwind takes off around me? I hope so. This blog is where I come to exhale, and I'll need that more than ever as the year continues. But there is so much real life going on that deserves my attention, I can't make any promises to myself. I'll just take it one busy day at a time.

Now, bring on the babies.

Be well!

Today I have an interview

Alyce, 1 day old.

Maybe you remember last year, when I didn't even get an interview. I had applied to midwifery school with so much passion and excitement it never occurred to me that I wouldn't get an interview. When I got the letter my heart was broken, but the world didn't collapse. Doesn't that always happen? We get so worked up and teary (or sobby, as it happens with me), and then in the end, we adjust. Plans change, new ideas emerge, and we move forward.

Now it's a year later and I am one step closer. Today I have an interview for midwifery school. I am roughly equal parts thrilled and nervous. I'm standing at this place where I want something so badly yet I know, I just know, that everything will be fine no matter what. I'm coming to see, stubborn as I am, that I have everything I need already. I am built to be a midwife, but I'm build for many other things, too.

As I make the final preparations for my interview later today, I find myself thinking about my midwives, the women who helped me bring both my children into the world. Thank you Houley, Andrea, Lindsey, Manavi, Katie, Sarah, Nicole, and Dorinda. They supported me and inspired me, and I am forever grateful. Thank you for making me feel safe when I was scared, for encouraging me when I doubted myself, and for catching those slippery babies, especially Shira, who was enormous.

Be well!

2012, A few words: Part Two

Dear 2012:

I reached out to you earlier, and I've been waiting things out a bit before getting back to you. I wanted to let January take its course, you know, I didn't want to be pushy. Having considered the previous year's chaos and realizing that too many decisions were made in haste, I wanted to take things slow.

Mostly, I was just afraid. Nervous to take any decisive steps for fear that I'd choose the wrong path. There is so much wonderful freedom that comes with the position we find ourselves in, but with this freedom comes the sometimes suffocating pressure of knowing that our family needs to move forward (and also needs those basic life sustaining goods, like rent and food). 2012, I'm not asking for any special favours, really, I'm not. But I am asking for good push in the right direction and just a little support. We can do the rest.

I don't want to focus on last year anymore. I'm letting it go. We are settling in to our new surroundings in Canada (and having moved in with my mum, some of these surroundings are more familiar than others), we are tentatively planting some roots. We are tentative not because we're not sure we want to stay, but because we are--or at least, I am--a bit nervous about the steps we take. But we are stepping nonetheless.

I made an enormously deep step last week: I applied to midwifery school.

Yes, you read that correctly. I am making yet another massive change. That's the usual thing to do after a year like mine, right? This is a radical decision and I am terrified. I am mostly terrified that others will judge me making another bad decision. I'm worried they won't stand behind me as I move toward a path that I've wanted so dearly for so many years. I hear in my head all the second-guessing about money and careers and won't you just get a job already and stop going to school? Yes, I've been in school for what feels like a zillion years. Yes, it would be awesome to work and provide for my family today, right now. No, I don't think I'm being selfish. And yes, maybe I'll help deliver your baby one day. I'd love to!

Now that last one sounds awesome. Because the one thing that doesn't terrify me is the opportunity to be a midwife. I will be a good midwife. It will be hard work, but I can do hard.

When I wrote my list last year, becoming a midwife came only after having more children (which is still in the works, but later). I added it to my list but I never made a big deal out of it. It wasn't the right time to talk about it because I knew I'd be looking for other work and I feared someone finding my blog and thinking to themselves, who wants to hire this wannabe midwife for our decidedly un-midwife type job? Not us! I wanted to shout from every corner of this blog that after twelve years of dreaming about midwifery school, I was going to do it. Instead I remained (almost) silent. Of course I still talked the ears off of my friends about it, some of whom spent a very long time helping me craft an midwifery school application that I hope will land me an interview (thank you from the bottom of my midwife-loving heart, by the way), but I tried to keep my big ideas away from this blog.

Not anymore. 2012, this is where you come in. I need that push I mentioned earlier. We are trying our best to choose our steps wisely, Matt is now looking for his own new job, I'm working part-time from home and spending the rest of time with The Children. We are slowly moving towards, well, moving (out of my mum's house, that is). Matt and I carefully considered what is best for our future and we decided, in the spirit of this freedom we find ourselves navigating, that our little family was going to make me a midwife. I am grateful. I am relieved.

And I really hope I get an interview.


Yours sincerely,
with love and kindness,
and fingers crossed,
danielle