On returning

Hello friends.

I'm not quite sure what to say. It's been so long since I've shared my adventures (such as they are) with you. One moment I was busy blogging and sharing my goals and projects, and the next moment I was closing my computer and stepping back. It just didn't feel right anymore, and I'll tell you why. 

Things sucked.

Now before you kindly reassure me that I'm so lucky to have had the time off from the stress and chaos of full-time school or that I am blessed to have the experience of staying home with my daughters, please know that I know all this. And in between all the times my year off from school has sucked, I've loved the time I've spent with my children, and the quiet hours at home while they're at school. But this doesn't change how I've felt this past year, and I don't want to brush these feelings aside anymore.  

I had taken a break from my midwifery program for a few different reasons, but mostly it was about taking a year or so to become my healthiest self. Midwifery is demanding, parenting is demanding, and I wasn't getting any younger. I was out of shape, in pain, struggling with my moods, and in need of a reset of sorts. I believed that I owed it to myself to spend some time getting healthier in order to both meet the demands of life and to enjoy the hell out of it.

But then life got hard and I wasn't ready for it. There I was, with all this time in front of me, and yet I couldn't seem to find a single moment with which to devote to the changes I knew I needed to make to my life. Yes I was working and spending a lot of time with my girlies, but I also had a lot of freedom that just brimmed with possibilities. I would go to bed at night with big goals and plans for the next day, but then the next day would come and nothing. All I felt was unmotivated, grumpy, and still out of shape, in pain, and struggling with my moods. Nothing seemed to change. So I'd just take a nap and see if tomorrow was better. And it wasn't.

Looking back, there were many reasons why I felt so low this year. It was a shock to my system to go from a hectic midwifery placement to life at home and I needed more for an adjustment period than I realized. I was struggling with Alyce and all of her new eight-year-old needs. I'm not the greatest at self-motivation. And also--the biggest reason--change is fucking hard.  

But here are a few things that I've learned about myself this year:

• It's dangerous to spend too much time on my own. I am one of those tricky extroverted introverts and if I'm not careful I'll stay home in a quiet house for too many days in a row. Do you know what I do while I'm home by myself (besides obsessively clean)? I dwell. I sit on the couch and dwell. And that's not good for anyone. I have the kind of job where I work by myself, but even leaving the house to go work in a coffee shop or library forces me out a good rut. And friends--I need more time with my friends. They soothe my soul.
• I need get more exercise. I've surprised myself lately with regular walks and I'm always in a better and more productive place after these excursions. Fresh air + moving my body cures so many ills. 
• I need structure. Like I REALLY need structure. Cue my husband rolling his eyes because all he ever does is tell me this.
• I'm a good parent. While Alyce might find it terribly annoying that I'm around all the time, I know deep down that she's needed me this year. Shira has been overjoyed by my omnipresence and it's nothing short of magic to be loved that hard. 
• I need to be okay with doing hard things. I started the year with so many big goals and then I crumbled under the pressure because it was difficult. It isn't easy to quit smoking or to change how you eat. But I'm starting to see that life won't fall apart just because things get hard. I have to believe that I'm stronger than I realize. 
• I really just want to be a midwife. How wonderful that I've taken this year off school and realized just how badly I want to be a midwife!  
• It's okay to take a year off and hate it.

So why am I back? Because I think I'm feeling better. I have four months left before I return to school and I'm ready--really ready--to move forward. Spring is in the air, there's sunshine on my face, and I'm ready to go. I've decided to show up here and again and share my days and efforts and challenges with you all over again. Maybe you are too, and we can do this together.

Get ready for goals you guys. 

Be well!

xo

Taking Stock: April

Oh, hello there. I've been away (for a very long while) but I think I'm back now. I thought I'd dip my toes into the water with a little taking stock.  I hope you've been well all these months! I've missed you.

Here are a few other things I've been up to lately:

Making:  I just made my first dress for Alyce! Now I'm back to knitting my first sweater for Shira.

Cooking: Passover dinner.

Drinking: Trying to drink more tea (but the pull of coffee is always so strong).

Wanting: Some sunshine.

Looking: At the flowers poking out from the earth.

Wishing: That I had enjoyed my year off from school more.

Enjoying: That I still have four months left.

Waiting: To leave for my first trip away with Matty in nine years. We are going to Athens and Rome!

Liking: My new routine of walking in the mornings.

Wondering: If I'll remember anything when I return to midwifery school this fall.

Loving: My morning snuggles with Shira. 

Pondering: What life will be like as a non-smoker.

Considering: Getting my nosed pierced again (much to Alyce's horror).

Buying: This dress.

Watching: House of Cards, my newest guilty pleasure.
Hoping: For courage and confidence.

Marvelling: At Alyce's growth this year.

Cringing: At the news of pretty much everything these days.

Needing: Some time with good friends.

Smelling: Spring!

Wearing: Skirts and dresses, never pants. Comfort over pants wins every day.

Following: My children around. 

Noticing: That I need to get out more.

Knowing: That I've needed all this time to myself.

Thinking: About fixing up my bike.

Admiring: The faces of those I love.
Sorting: Through everything.

Bookmarking: The pages of so many cookbooks (like this one, this one, and this one.)

Coveting: All of the shoes.

Disliking: My sore feet.

Giggling: At my ridiculous children.

Feeling: All of the feelings.

Snacking: On popcorn.

Hearing: The rain.

---

Do you want to take stock? I got the idea from Pip.

Be well!
xo

Taking Stock: November

Hello there! At the last minute this week I ended up working overnight with tiny newborn twins! Not a bad way to spend a couple of nights. I loved watching them calm each other down when they were able to snuggle together.

My last minute work threw a wrench in some of my plans, so I'm feeling a little behind on some of my projects for the week. It happens. I'm hoping to spend tonight in the kitchen cooking up some gluten-free meals for the next few days and prepping some greens. I also expect not to stay up too late tonight because my sleep needs a reset after working overnights. While I was able to close my eyes now and then with the twins, mostly I was up snuggling.


Here are a few other things I've been up to lately:

Making:  Almost finished the scarves for the girlies, and I'm about to start my very first sweater!

Cooking: Lots of vegetables, she says hopefully.

Drinking: Coffee. I'm so predictable.

Wanting: A personal chef.

Looking: At the few remaining leaves holding on for dear life.

Wishing: That I could remember more what it's like to be seven.

Enjoying: No longer having cable.

Waiting: For the snow.

Liking: The feeling of hibernation brought on by the darker evenings.

Wondering: How I'll feel at the end of my first month.

Loving: The music that has been filling our house lately.

Pondering: What life will be like upon my return to midwifery school.

Considering: Painting the girls' room pink.

Buying: Little gifts of Hanukah, less than a month away.

Watching: Gilmore Girls, for the first time. How did I never watch this before?
Hoping: For the discovery of a morning routine with the girls.

Marvelling: My goofy children.

Cringing: At too much time spent of Facebook.

Needing: A bit of a social media break. 

Smelling: Roasting vegetables in my oven.

Wearing: Scarves.

Following: The Celtics, because Matty gives me no other choice.

Noticing: That Alyce's needs are changing now that she's almost eight. This is all so new to me.

Knowing: That we will figure it out.

Thinking: That I wished I'd gone to the gym today.

Admiring: Rainy, grey days.
Sorting: Through the kitchen and adding some gluten-free baking ingredients.

Bookmarking: Soup recipes, like a madwoman.

Coveting: A vitamix blender.

Disliking: Depression.

Giggling: As much as I possibly can.

Feeling: All over the place.

Snacking: Chips and fresh salsa.

Hearing: My snoring cat.

---

Do you want to take stock? I got the idea from Pip.

Be well!
xo

Another month, another plan

Hello friends. If you've been following on since the summer, you know that I've been trying to make some really big health changes. The short version of the story is that I have fibromyalgia and depression, and the consequence for me is feeling as though I inhabit the physical body of an unhealthy 98 year old, instead of the healthy and vibrant 38 year old that I so badly want to be. Emotionally, I too often full like a slug.

The good news is that I'm unwilling to continue this way.

I want to live a long, long life. I want to be a great-grandmother one day. I also want to take on a very demanding career as a midwife,  for which I'm training now. I have chosen to believe that I can do all of these things, so here I am, willing to make the necessary changes in my life in order to allow for these dreams to come true. I have the motivation and passion to blow my own mind and succeed.

I spent an hour with my naturopathic doctor last week dreaming up a plan. Having consulted with my family doctor earlier in the week, who kindly informed me that I am currently at an increased risk for cardiovascular disease and could I please start eating better and lose some weight, I was finally ready to accept that I needed a new plan. I explained to my naturopath, who has watched me struggle now for two years, that I was feeling seriously overwhelmed by the enormity of all these changes I wanted to make, and she told me that I can do anything for a month.

Just one month.

And you know? I think she is right. I'm strong and committed and eager to feel good, so I can do this. Healthober didn't work out as planned, and that's okay. I learned a lot about myself that month and it's time to try something else.

I now have a plan. No gluten. No smoking. Exercise four times a week. Eat a ton of greens. Take my supplements (chosen for my fibromyalgia).

This one month is intended to bring about a victory. While we learn so many important things from our failures, we still also need to win sometimes. When we devised this plan we decided upon the things that had a chance to make me feel better in four weeks. This isn't to say that I'll drop my plan upon completion, or that my next steps might not look different, but I wanted my plan to be guided by reasonable, doable changes that will bring about some successes.

This plan for eating and exercise is intended to address both my physical and mental health. Gluten sensitivities have long been linked to mood problems and we all know that exercise makes us feel better. Eating real food, moving my body, and not smoking is going to have a positive impact on my life.

I am driven by a belief that I can feel better and I'll sing it from the rooftops until I do. 

Is there something you want to change, something you can do for one month? We can do this together. Share your goals and let's declare our commitments together!

Be well!

xo

It's Monday!

Hello lovelies! It's Monday again, already, just like that. I read a book with the girls this weekend about a girl who loved who loved Mondays because they were shiny and sparkly. While she loved all of the days of the week for different reasons, I especially love her take on Mondays. It's like she knows me.

I've still been feeling a bit blue this week, but nevertheless the week was full of some important moments. I had roughly one billion health-related appointments that took up most of my time, but they were important for many reasons and will all help me move forward with my health goals in different ways. Around our house we were busy talking about/playing/watching basketball, as Alyce decided to try out for the basketball team at her school. She had never played before but she tried out with all her might. She didn't even seem to mind when she didn't make the team. I'm so proud of her courage. 

Some things that have cheered me up lately include, though are not limited to: my mother's cooking, the beautiful weather, time with Matty, coffee dates with good friends. This week looks promising, with the exception of the dentist appointment I have today. I have plans to spend time with friends, time set aside for cooking, my mum's birthday to celebrate. The girls' birthday party season begins this upcoming weekend (their social calendar boggles me) and so we will prepare with many homemade cards.  

My list of the week:

• Bake a chocolate birthday cake for my mum and a gluten-free alternative for me. (I'm thinking peanut butter chocolate chip cookies.) The girls are home from school this Friday so I expect that I'll have some help.

• Cook lots and lots of greens! More on that soon.

•  Clean out the girls' room while they're at school, with the goal of donating some of the toys they don't use anymore. This will probably not go over well.

• My mood over the past few weeks has kept me from posting here with any regularity. It's my goal this week to post every day during the week. It's a big project, but I'd really like to try.

• Moving my body in the following ways: three days at the gym and impromptu dance parties in the kitchen.

Alright, let's get to it. This week isn't going to start itself. What's on your list?

Be well!
xo


P.S. Are we friends on Instagram? 

It's Monday!

Happy Monday, lovelies! Did you have the greatest Halloween? We did, most definitely. Alyce and Shira were a vampire and skeleton, respectively, and I think they were just the right amount of scary. We went trick-or-treating in the neighbourhood and it was so good to see familiar faces everywhere we turned. We've lived in this community for three years now and it's really starting to feel like home. Such a nice feeling. Oh, and we forgot to carve our pumpkin, but you can't win them all.

Another week. I'm feeling better, trying hard to be gentle with myself on the one hand, while (gently) pushing myself to move ahead with things that help me to feel like myself. I sat down this morning and wrote my intentions for the week and they include going to they gym five days this week. (In related news: I went to the gym this morning, suited up for my water aerobics class with the seniors, only to find out that my class was cancelled. Sigh. It wasn't a total waste, though, because I took myself out for coffee instead.) 

My reintroduction to exercise has been a bumpy one over the last few weeks--it feels amazing to move my body again, and even to sweat (even though I hate sweating), but my sore feet yell at me throughout my workout, no matter what I do, and I end up icing my feet most nights after working out earlier in the day. I should probably see someone about my feet but I'm so exhausted by the thought of seeing ANOTHER care provider about ANOTHER pain problem. Story of my life these days. End rant.

Last week I wrote about missing school, but I'm also beginning to notice that time is speeding by at an alarming rate. Did anyone notice that it's November already? Good grief.

So here is my list for the week:

• Check-in with my family doctor and my naturopath about my moods and some strategies for dietary changes.

• Get my hair cut!

• Visit with a good friend, who will be helping me to get started on knitting my first sweater. I'll be making this one for Shira in purple.

• Bake some banana bread. I've been making this one for years, though I substitute the vegetable oil with coconut oil and I add chocolate chips. Obviously. This time I'll be using gluten-free flour instead of the whole wheat.

• Soup! Butternut squash and tomato lentil.

My week feels full, but in a good way. What about you? What's on your list this week?


Be well!
xo

P.S. Another Monday post.

Some things to do when you're in a slump

So, I'm 38 now. I had the nicest birthday filled with tiny celebrations over the course of four days. I am eternally grateful for all the goodness I have in my life. And all the delicious cake. And tiny little gifts from Shira. 

I'm having the quietest couple of weeks, in part because I've been sick with a bad cough, but also because I'm feeling like I need a lot of alone time lately. No wait, let me be honest. I need a lot of alone time right now because I'm struggling with my depression. It happens. It's not the "I can't get out of bed" depression, but more like the "I'm walking from room to room wondering how to get started so I just sit down on the couch and knit" kind.  

You guys, I miss being in school. I just want to forget about getting healthy and strong and instead go out and learn to be a midwife. Blah, blah, blah, I know this break is good for me, but I'm really struggling. This liminal space is filled with so much discomfort. While I know that taking this year off from school was a good decision, it's not been an easy one. I'm working a little bit each day, but most of my time I am left to my own devices to make my days my own. I have all this time to fill with Getting Healthy! but I often end up feeling overwhelmed by it all, and then I find myself daydreaming about reproductive physiology or starting IVs.

In these moments I need too work hard to push myself out of my slump. (This isn't to say that depression is just a slump. It's a mental illness. But for me, when I'm doing other things to support my illness, like taking the medications that work best for me, I know that there are other things I can do every day that can help make a difference.) Here's a list of things that work for me.

Some things to do when you're feeling slumpy

Move

We've all heard it before, but seriously, go for a walk. Or to a yoga class, or run like crazy on the treadmill. I am the worst at not following this advice, but I'm working on it. I've got the gym membership now and I'm exercising on the most regular basis I have in years. I let myself stay home today and snuggle on the couch when I know I should have pushed myself to get out and exercise. Tomorrow I will push.

Commiserate

Call your best friend. Let someone make you laugh. Do not dodge their phone calls when they reach out to you because you're feeling blue. Push yourself to answer the phone. If you're feeling even more daring, make a coffee date to laugh together in person. Last week I did just that with a dear friend and it did amazing things for my mood. And we ate scones and jam, which was an added bonus.


Eat your vegetables

Just say no to the leftover birthday ice cream in your freezer, says the woman with personal experience. Decide to make yourself at least one nourishing, healthy meal and consider it a victory.


Clean

Clean your house. Or maybe that's just me. And I don't mean do the dishes (though that might not be a bad idea while you're at it). I mean clean out your bedroom. Change the pictures on your wall. Rearrange your living room. Tiny fresh starts can do wonders for your soul.


Reinvent

Dye your hair. Get your nose pierced (it's on my list). When I'm feeling slumpy I'll sometimes put on red lipstick just to fake it and it helps.


Sit with it for a day

Give in for a day and binge on Netflix. Invite all four cats into your bed to snuggle while you cry over another episode of Grey's Anatomy. Knit a scarf. Read a book. Do absolutely nothing. Indulge in a day of being gentle with yourself.


If you're in a slump, I hope you're feeling better soon. It happens. We can do this.

Be well.
xo

P.S. Another post on depression.

38 things on my birthday

Hello lovelies! Today is my 38th birthday. I have been showered in celebrations all weekend (filled with cake, cupcakes, good wine, and good family and friends), and now I'm enjoying a quiet day home to myself. You all know how much I love birthdays and goals, so today I wanted to share some birthday goals. This is a list of things I'd like to accomplish this year, some big, some small, all important to me.

Do you ever do this on your birthday? What's on your list?



38 things 

1. Finally finish watching Six Feet Under.
2.Go to yoga class once a week.
3. Host a fabulous dinner party with some of my favourite people.
4. Go away for a weekend with Matty.
5. Eat way more greens.
6. Take the girlies to hear live music.
7. Ride a bike.
8. Ice skating!
9. Write more thank-you notes.
10. Not adopt anymore cats.
11. Not smoke. Ahem.
12. Go for more walks in the ravine near our house.
13. Drink more tea.
14. Knit a sweater.
15. Learn how to make a gluten-free pie crust.
16. Keep up with my book club.
17. Floss.
18. Watch more movies.
19. Take the girlies camping.
20. Say thank you more. 
21. Catch more babies.
22. Declutter the house.
23. Play more board games.
24. Eat more brunch.
25. Keep rocking water aerobics with the seniors of Toronto.
26. Attend a festival.
27. Visit with old friends.
28. Read fiction.
29. Nap when I need it.
30. Get my nose pierced.
31. Walk somewhere everyday.
32. Get some really warm mittens and enjoy the winter.
33. Teach the girlies to cook.
34. Write letters.
35. Get regular massages.
36. Have more date nights with Matty.
37. Love hard.
38. Reach my goals.


Be well!
xo

Healthtober! An update

Healthober was my own tiny mission to kickstart myself into action. I'd been stalling and stalling for months with all the health changes I wanted to make. I had chosen to tackle some of my goals on a smaller scale for one month to see how I felt. It's a great idea, isn't it? Because you can do anything for a month. Right? 

Not exactly. But here is what I have learned:

Planning is key

Things didn't work out as planned. Or more to the point, I didn't plan anything at all. I came up with some very doable goals, but I didn't follow on those ideas with actionable steps. (I come across this advice in so many places, but have promptly ignored it every chance I get.) Take my goal to give up gluten, for example. I started the month with a kitchen filled with gluten-filled foods and didn't make any preparations in advance to ensure alternatives. I had assumed that I would "wing it" and, shockingly, this plan didn't work out. 

The first few days were good, with me getting by on what we had, but at the first sign of needing to rush out of the house I reached for the only convenient food on hand: gluten. The lure of convenience got me every time. I realize now that I need to spend time preparing the kitchen for how I want to eat. This means brainstorming ideas for quick gluten-free breakfast, snacks, and lunches (dinner always feels easier to me, since it feels normal for me to cook veggies and meat). I know now that I need plenty of sliced up cheese, nuts, washed fruits and veggies, and granola bars available to me before I begin. I also need to sharpen my gluten-free baking skills so that I can have muffins and breads available when I crave (which I always do because they are so delicious).

Goals need to be specific

If I'm devoted to eating less sugar, then I need to come up with a game plan for what "less sugar" actually means. Does it mean taking two days instead of one to eat a bag of wine gums? Probably not. Does it mean sweetening my oatmeal with a little maple syrup instead of heaps of brown sugar? Probably. For me to decrease my sugar intake I need to think about all the places it sneaks into my diet, some obvious (chocolate covered almonds), some hidden (processed food). I've always been terrible at maintaining boundaries, but if I'm going to successfully reduce my sugar load I need to grow a backbone.

I should probably make a plan for this (see above lesson learned).

Make your goals a priority

One of my goals was to practice being gentle with myself physically. I am happy to report that I made some progress (hooray for progress!) on that front. At the beginning of the month I was confronted with a flare-up of my fibromyalgia that through me for a bit of a loop. But I parked myself on the couch for two days, took some advil, and relaxed--in other words, I did exactly what I needed to do to get through the week and it worked. It wasn't the easiest choice at the time because I had to let go of some commitments those days, but it was important to me that I didn't let one flare-up turn into a month of pain (as I have done many times in the past).

Sometimes I'm all talk when it comes to self-care, but I really tried this month. After months of pushing through the pain and straining my sore body, I decided to make getting better a priority. Let us all try to be so gentle on ourselves.

Healthober, as ridiculous as it sounds, was a big deal for me and I'm a little sad that I didn't follow through with it as I'd imagined. But you know what? I had other successes, like FINALLY getting some much needed exercise. Also: not smoking! I've quit again, and I've decided that this is it. I'm as eager as ever!

My birthday is around the corner, which means: new goals! Coming soon.

What lessons have you learned about making changes? Are you good at planning for your goals? If you have any comments or suggestions, I'd love to see them in the comments. 

Be well.
xo


P.S. You might also be interested in these posts!

Goals in a messy life

On gaining momentum

It's Monday!

It's Monday! Again! I missed my weekly Monday update last week (it was, deliciously, Thanksgiving here in Canada) and it's busy around here, but I'm back at it now. I think an update is in order. So what's been happening here the past couple of weeks? Evening trips to the ice cream shop (who needs summer anyway) and afternoons spent reading at the park in stunning fall weather.

Oh, and we went for more ice cream because we were celebrating that we bought a new car! We all love it, especially Alyce, who will give tours of the car to an willing passerby. Buying a car felt like a very adult-type thing to do, and it's had Matty and I busy planning our finances over the next few years (when I will graduate!). We are both eager to learn how to best manage our money, something we've always struggled with. It's time for me especially to put on my big girl pants and figure out exactly to pay for the rest of midwifery school. If only following your dreams was less expensive!

Last week, in an historic moment I will remember always, I actually joined a gym and started exercising. Like actual sweaty, uncoordinated exercise in a room with other people. I turn 38 next week and joining the Y was an early birthday present from Matty. It's not the easiest for me to exercise with my chronic pain, but I'm going slowly. Just this morning I took a water aerobics class with thirty 75 year old women! I fit right in.

Everything and everyone keeps reminding me that exercise will help with my fibromyalgia symptoms, so here I am moving forward with another goal. It feels amazing. Also: 2003 called and wants its yoga pants back.

We have been enjoying some beyond beautiful fall weather and the girls and I soaked it all in in a walk along Bloor street last week. We coveted pumpkins and gourds, felt the sun on our faces, and even stocked up on Halloween decorations. We couldn't have been more fall if we tried. I'm in heaven.

Alyce has taken to handstading her way everywhere she goes. She started gymnastics this fall and is over the moon excited about her newfound skills. I'm not exaggerating when I tell you that she did 1000 handstands this weekend. Shira has also been busy being a gymnast, though she is self-taught. Her technique is both avant-garde and wildly entertaining for everyone involved. 

This week is about keeping up the momentum

My goals this week aren't big ones, but there is some urgency behind them. Work is picking up again, both my teaching and doula work, and I want to stay ahead of the game as much as possible (something my procrastinating self can often let get out of hand). I'm starting now to finally find a rhythm in my days at home and I would like to keep building in some good work habits amidst all the chaos of staying home with the girlies. And now that I've become a person who exercises, I hope to develop a routine for getting in a workout most days of the week.

My list to-do list this week includes:

• Heading to the gym four days this week. I'm trying out a lot of different things to see what hurts the least and I think the elliptical puts the least amount of pressure on my legs and feet, so I think I'll alternate between that and water aerobics with the seniors. I have been going in the morning after dropping the girlies off at school, which I prefer to going in the evening, when all the tough-guy body builders hog all the weights.

• Planning for my birthday weekend! We are having a dinner party/sleepover at the home of a good friend. It's the best way to spend my birthday. I'm in charge of planning breakfast the next morning and I'm thinking maybe challah french toast, fruit salad, and muffins for the early risers.

•  Calling my Dad on his birthday! I always, always forget. I've got it written down in more than one place, so here's hoping I remember this year.

• Healthy meal prep: I'm inspired by Shutterbean to take one afternoon a week to prep my food for the week ahead. I'm really great at buying great food to fill our fridge, but kind of terrible at the follow-through of actually cooking it. This week I'm going to cook chicken for salads, breakfast apple crisp, make a pot of quinoa to keep in the fridge, and do some serious vegetable roasting.  

What is on your list this week? Share in the comments and let's help each other get things done!

Be well!

xo

P.S. Are we friends on Instagram? We should be.

The twenty best things I've ever done in my life

Do you ever have those days when you start to dwell on all the mistakes you've made? Like that time you decided to get a credit card in university and wound up paying piles of interest on a pizza you ordered five ten years later? Or when you stayed for too long in a relationship that was terrible for you? Or when you decided, sure I'll try one cigarette--what could possibly go wrong?

I think we've all had those days, but they aren't very useful. They don't make us feel good, they aren't very motivating, and for dwellers (like me) they can ruin a perfectly great week. So today I wanted to think about all the good decisions I've made in my life. And wouldn't you know it, at the time some of those good things felt a whole lot like mistakes. I guess a little failure isn't a bad thing after all.

The twenty best things I've ever done in my life

1. Marry a man from Alabama.

2. Then have two delightful daughters.

3. Start my PhD (because I met Matty on our first day of the same doctoral program).

4. Quit my PhD.

5. Finally go to midwifery school.

6. Catch a baby.

7. Tell my dear friends how much I love them.

8. Spend a summer "working" in Whistler when I was twenty.

9. Leave a relationship that made me feel like shit.

10. Get a library card.

11. Watch my mother in the kitchen.

12. Move far away all by myself.

13.  Learn to say no.*

14.  Dance.

15. Accept that I'm introvert.

16.  Love my children with abandon.

17. Talk through the night until the sun came up.

18. Speak openly about my mental illness. 

19. Be a feminist.

20. Love hard.

*Work in progress.

What would you add to your list? 

Be well!

xo 

Start where you are

Start where you are. I love this. As someone who likes to set goals and think about the big picture, I needed this reminder today. It's easy to get lost in all the things we want to be, but the only way to get started is to accept what you are now. Ask yourself what can you do today, just today, to accomplish your goals one step at a time. I am lucky enough to have a fridge filled with vegetables, so today I am going to cook some healthy food that includes heaps of vegetables. I am run down with a cold and need the nourishment. What a great place to start.

What can you do today?

Be well!
xo


Image Via And Then We Saved

It's Monday!

It's Monday all over again! How are you? I mean, really, how are you? Was it a good weekend? Or do you wish you had a do-over? If so, think of this week as a new beginning. 

For me the past week has been a little all over the place. First of all, let's take a breath, Healthtober. While I'm always pretty excited to get started, I can sometimes get ahead of myself (the danger of being an eager goal-setter). So things didn't go exactly as planned. On Thursday I felt a soreness in my lower back and by Friday I couldn't move. Fibromyalgia does this to me sometimes and I had no other choice than to be gentle with myself (which was also one of my goals for the month, so look at me!). I was in no place to organize and prepare healthy and gluten-free food and that was okay. Instead I booked an appointment with my chiropractor and massage therapist. And I took a nap. How's that for self-care?

This week, then, is about recharging, slowly and surely. My back is already feeling better and I'm committing myself to some yoga this week to stretch out all these sore muscles. I'm in a baking mood (says the woman who is always in a baking mood) and I'm eager to try out some gluten-free muffins and banana bread. And for dinner tonight I'm making some macaroni and cheese (with rice pasta) and kale salad. I'm winning at this week already. 

My to-do list for the week includes:

• A massage! 

 

• Writing. Lots of writing. I've been really inspired by Elizabeth Gilbert's new podcast on creativity and I'm feeling really encouraged to write more.  My goal this week is publish three blog posts before the weekend. 

 

• Have lunch with a great friend.

• Baking a lemon pie for Thanksgiving. I might be the only person on the planet who doesn't like pumpkin pie. But I can't lie, it's just who I am.

• Yoga. My plan is to two different studios this week and see what I like. Try as I might, yoga at home as a solo practice just doesn't work for me. I need the encouragement of a room filled with people all trying to do the same thing. 

 

•  Resting. I'm feeling a bit better physically, but I know myself and if I don't get some extra rest right now, I'll pay for it later.

What can you do for yourself this week? 

Be well!
xo

P.S. Thank you to everyone who has asked about how my presentation went at the midwifery student conference this weekend. I presented on a panel with two fellow students about my experience with depression and anxiety as a student midwife. I think we started a great conversation.

Healthtober! Because you can do anything for a month

So I do this every time.

I did it during school and I am doing it again while on my 'break.' I am working too hard and pushing my body beyond its limits. For a month I have worked too many overnight doula shifts, too many for me, a person whose body is in need of some care. An accumulation of very little sleep + not looking after myself physically or emotionally means that I'm currently a heap of mess on the couch. Everything hurts. 

No more, I declare. Or Matty declared, last night as I was crying to him about how much it hurt to walk shuffle across the room. He looked at me with those encouraging "when are you going to make some good changes?" eyes and suggested that maybe we need a new approach. "It's time for healthy October!" he proclaimed, or more appropriately, Healthtober (trademark pending). 

Whatever you'd like to call it, join me in making October a month filled with good healthy choices, whatever that means to you. For Matty it means working to lose a few pounds and getting outside for some exercise. Let's cheer him on! For me it means getting some good sleep, eating some good food that involves a whole hell of a lot more vegetables, and cutting back my sugar intake about one billion percent, which still leaves me with a little sugar. I need a little sugar because how else am I supposed cope with not smoking, because you guys! I'm not smoking!

My Healthtober goals include:

• No gluten! As per the suggestion of my ever-patient naturopath. It's only taken me two years to actually give up gluten. Two years, guys. I'm hoping that giving up gluten might help with some of my fibromyalgia symptoms.

• Significantly less sugar. I know I might have better results with an actual limit, but I can't do it all at once. My goal is to be mindful of not reaching for sugar at every opportunity. Speaking of reducing sugar, did you see this? High fives.

• Resting when my body needs it. That means not too many overnight shifts, not going to crazy with projects at home. Gentle is the word of the month. Since I'm not great with being gentle on myself, I'll need a lot of reminders.  

• To enjoy as much of the beautiful fall weather as humanly possible. Walks, even short ones, will do me well.

 I can do this! I can do anything for a month. There are, however, two important exceptions, and by exceptions I really just mean there are two days during which I will eat gluten with abandon. Thanksgiving is less than two weeks away and it is hands down my favourite holiday, and I will be eating any and all of my mum's cooking. And at the end of the month is my birthday and there will cake--gluten and sugar-filled cake. I think that's only fair. You only turn 38 once.

So who is going to join me for Healthtober? What healthier choices would you like to make? Share your goals in the comments, or at the very least, please share your most encouraging thoughts. I'll need all the help I can get.

Be well!

xo

P.S. Do you follow me on Instagram? I'll be posting updates there as I go.

My go-to list

You guys! Fall is here! It's really, really here!

I was thinking today about my go-to list, the things in my life where I don't have to make decisions, I just know what it is that I'll choose. Some people might call me predictable, but I'd rather call myself saved from decision exhaustion (when we waste a bunch of time trying to decide between too many options). There is a time and a place to try new things, but there are also those times when you need an easy answer.  I have no time for waffling in front of a barista, I just want my double americano. Do you have a list like this? No? Then you need one.

I thought I'd share a few things from my go-to list:

Coffee: The darkest roast available, preferably in the form of an americano
Tea: Earl Grey with milk
Wine: Chianti
Citrus fruit: Pink grapefruit
Vegetable: Brussel sprouts
Chocolate chip cookie recipe: Smitten Kitchen's Favourite Chococolate Chip Cookie
Comfort food: Macaroni and Cheese 
Easy dinner: Roast chicken



Happy place book I read again and again: The Mists of Avalon
Magazine: Bon Appetit 
Cookbook: Barefoot Contessa Back to Basics
Food blog for baking: Joy the Baker
Food blog for whole foods cooking: My New Roots
Blog that inspires my writing: Sweet Amandine
Blog for inspiration: Rachel W. Cole


Moisturizer: Coconut oil
Self-care: 90 minute massage
Journal: Moleskin (I currently have this colour)
Netflix obsession: Re-watching Grey's Anatomy
Way to spend a free Sunday: Farmer's market, brunch, park, nap, dinner at home.
Flowers: Daisies


Care to share your own list? What things do you instinctively reach for when it comes to making a decision?

Be well!
xo

P. S. Do you follow me on Instagram? Come say hello!

It's Tuesday!

Hello lovelies! I was so busy writing about procrastination yesterday that I forgot to write up my Monday list. How was your weekend? We had a busy one, including me spending all day Saturday at a postpartum doula training (because there is always more to learn). On Sunday I took the girls on a movie date, during which I realized that we pretty much just go to the movies for the candy and popcorn.

Fall is officially here (high fives all around) and I'm already dreaming of all the fall-y things I can do this week. I might break the girlies out of school one day to go apple picking because our weekends are booked solid for the next few weeks, and it would be heartbreaking to miss out on all those apples, wouldn't it? And while I can't stand pumpkin spice lattes, I did pick up some pumpkin for baking something delicious (like this or these).

Here's my list for this week:

• I'm making this for dinner tonight even though I'll be the only one in the house who will eat it.

• I'm still sitting in front of a pile of gluten-free cookbooks, looking for inspiration.

• My days are free this week and I'm enjoying some quiet time at home. I took a very long nap today (hooray for self-care) and I'm hoping to get a lot of writing done. I may or may not also wash the floors. 

• I'm attending a midwifery student conference this weekend and I'm over the moon about it. I've felt so out of touch from school since taking the year off and I'm looking forward to taking part in some conversations about birthy things. I'm also participating on a panel about life as a student with mental health issues, which I think is a great opportunity for all of us to think about how to take care of ourselves as students and as future midwives. Plus I get to see some familiar faces I've missed!

So what about you? What's on your plate this week? Starting any new projects? Let us know in the comments! 

Be well.

xo

Is fear holding you back? How to move foward anyway.

Have you heard Elizabeth Gilbert's podcast, Magic Lessons? In one episode she talks about procrastination being born out of fear.

What am I afraid of then? Because I am an extraordinary procrastinator.

I am also a very hard worker who has completed two degrees, a master's thesis, a good part of  a doctoral degree, and two years (and counting) of midwifery school. I also have clean laundry and food in my fridge (most of the time), so I pull through in spite of my tendency to put absolutely everything off until the last minute.

And I think this is part of the trouble with being a relatively high-functioning procrastinator: I almost always get everything done so everything seems fine. But the stress and guilt and anxiety it produces? Those are not fine. Ask Matty (no, wait, maybe don't) about how much trouble my procrastination causes. I'm legendary, really.

Something that has always bothered me about my own procrastination is that it happens even when I'm doing something I love. For example, I love midwifery school pretty bad. While the program certainly has its ups and downs, it is giving me the knowledge and skills to become a midwife one day, a pretty kick ass one if you don't mind me saying. So why oh why do I still procrastinate when I'm doing something I love? Anyone?

I'm afraid of a lot of things. I'm afraid that the work will be hard and I won't be able to do it well. I'm afraid I won't be perfect. I'm afraid that I'll be judged. Or worse: that I'll fail completely. I'm afraid that I've given up so much to change careers and return to school and that it will all be for nothing. Deep, deep down I'm afraid I won't finish, just like I didn't finish my PhD (a fear that lingers even though the context is so very different). I'm afraid that I'm just faking at all this adult stuff and that I'll soon be found out by the whole wide world. 

Tim Urban writes that a procrastinator acts this way because "he has incredibly low confidence when it comes to this part of his life, allowing himself to become enslaved by a self-defeating, self-fulfilling prophecy." (And if you haven't read his post on why procrastinators procrastinators, you really should. It is insightful and hilarious.) I think we develop this low self-confidence because we're afraid. When we don't move forward on account of this fear, when we don't get started on necessary work or make the important first steps on something that is important to us, we end up confirming these fears--that we are going to fail all over again. 

Procrastination might be the best tool we have for looking after of ourselves. If we're afraid of something we need protection. If I don't start studying for that exam I won't have to realize that I'm not smart enough to learn the material. Or, and this is what's been on my mind lately, if I put off the hard work of pursuing my goals this year, I won't discover that I'm not strong enough to do it. My goals feel big and scary some days and putting them off protects me from not accomplishing them.

So how do we move forward when we're afraid?

We plan. We take small steps. We make choices that reflect what's really important to us. Every single day we decide to move forward, to change the story we have written for ourselves. 

When it comes to goals, we dream big and plan small, breaking down each step as clearly as possible. I am committed to finding a way to plan out the hard work that needs to be done to accomplish my goals, not just the big picture, day-dreamy blog posts I write, but actual step by step plans, filled with steps and deadlines and actions. I want to share these plans with you. 

But most importantly, I will forgive myself. I will give myself permission to fail. We can't move forward if we're so terrified of making mistakes. I hope you will give yourself permission, too. Is there a goal you want to accomplish? Do you have a project that is important to you that you've been too afraid to begin? Perfection is the enemy of the good. Let's all get started.

Be well!

xo

When things aren't hard

How are you lovelies? I realized recently that I almost never write about the girlies anymore and that just doesn't feel right. Do you want to know why? Because they've been a dream lately and we tend to focus so much on the hard stuff that we forget to stop and enjoy the times when things are easier. Smoother. More delightful. 

This summer wasn't easy for me. Maybe you could read between the lines of my scattered blog posts to see that I was often frustrated by my time home with the girlies. I was coming down from a really intense time in school and was feeling physically terrible, and Alyce had just finished a school year filled with challenges. We were all ready for the break of summer vacation and quickly fell into an easy rhythm of lazy days mixed up with adventures out in the city, but before long we were dealing with meltdowns (myself included) and constant fights between the girls. I began to dread my weeks home with them in spite of having missed them so damn much while I was in placement. I complained to Matty. I vented to my friends. It was a long summer.

But you know what? It doesn't feel so hard anymore. Returning to school, giving us all some time on our own each day, has made such a big difference. Alyce loves her new teacher, which is such a relief, and Shira is happy to play with her little kindergarten friends every day. I have enjoyed my quiet days to work and rest. All of a sudden the girlies aren't screaming at each other and meltdowns have been few and far between. Matty and I have found ourselves whispering happily to each other about the changes in our home, but I don't just want to whisper, I want to sing it from the rooftops!

We are often so quick to complain when things are hard, but let's not forget to enjoy when they're not. So I'm here to report that I'm currently enjoying the giggles and the sisterly secrets and the excited walks to school in the morning. And I hope you are, too. 

Be well!

xo