Monday, July 13, 2015

At the end of a long day

I'm struggling today, trying to figure out what to do with Alyce. She's been all kinds of crazy (for her), pushing my buttons, speaking meanly to me, speaking meanly about herself. I feel like no one told me things could be so hard already. Just wait until the teen years, every single person tells me, yada yada yada. But what about today? What about being seven years old and having so many feelings that don't just go away when you offer a hug? I thought hugs could fix everything.

This has so much to do with me, and not very much to do with Alyce. This is one of those times when I need to put my big girl pants on and be there for her, no matter what comes up.

We are cut from the same cloth, her and I, stubborn, fiery, and at the end of the day, deeply loyal. These emotions run deep and these conflicting feelings, of being so mad and loving so hard at the same time, can make for some trying days.

Today has been one of those days.

Do you know what no one ever talks about? How much it sucks when your kid pushes you away. I've been her everything for so many years now, and all of a sudden she retreats when she's mad instead of running over to me for solace. None of this is rocket science, I know.

Most human beings push others away when they're angry, push buttons when they're upset, push all those raw emotions to the side in favour of talking calmly about them. And I know Alyce is a human, but I don't, really. I still think of her as part of me, as this tiny creature who shares my personal space. Now she's growing her own space and I'm left wondering how to navigate all this new geography.

The day is coming to an end and we can all use a good night's sleep. Tomorrow we leave for the cottage for a few days and I know all the time playing with good friends will heal today's wounds. For both of us.

Be well!

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