mentioned before that we've had some rough moments since staying home together full-time. Truth be told, we've been having these moments since the day Shira was born, but they were spread out a lot differently when she was going to preschool. In the weeks following Shira's birth, when I was busy relearning how to breastfeed a hungry newborn and falling in love with our newest daughter, I tried to take Alyce's outbursts in stride (that is, between fits of my own crying. Mama hormones+former nursling+new nursling makes for many tears). She wouldn't hug me for a week, and for the first time in her life she was hitting me when she got mad. I hated that she did it, but at least she was only hitting me. Shira, it seemed, was the greatest present we'd ever given Alyce. Alyce's eyes lit up when Shira woke up from a nap and I'm pretty sure that she quietly fantasized about all the ways in which Shira would eventually become her
Alyce still loves her sister. She worries about her feelings (like today, upon hearing Shira crying at nap time, she wondered if maybe Shira was feeling scared by a monster in her room) and is exceedingly proud that she knows best what Shira wants ("give her milk, mama. From your breast." Thanks, Alyce). But that's not all. She also knows how to use Shira to her advantage, and lately, this means hitting Shira, very hard, in order to show that she's angry. At me. I don't want to get into the details, but it's getting bad. It was not a good day. Some days are fantastic, but today was not. Today I watched my big girl doing everything in her power to get my full attention, while my smaller girl, literally, took a beating. Shira's fine, Alyce is upset, and I'm feeling terrible.
It's strange, I've meant to call my mum all night and tell her what happened today, but I just couldn't bring myself to talk about it. So naturally, here I am, telling the internet. Well, not really the internet. I'm telling you, hoping that you'll share some kind words, as you always do, that will make me feel better.