Dear Maggie

Dear Maggie,

This morning you did something really special for my little Alyce. As you've seen over these past two weeks, Alyce feels really sad when it's time for me to leave her at school. She cries for a very long time, holding on to me as tightly as possible, hoping that I won't leave. I know she likes kindergarten, but saying good-bye and starting a new day at school is tough. But this morning you made a really big difference in Alyce's day when you asked if she'd like to hold your hand and walk into class together. Immediately Alyce's tears stopped and she nodded her head and reached out her hand. The two of you walked into Room 4 and never looked back. Today was a special day.

I know it's been tough for you to say good-bye to your Mama, too. I remember last week when I saw you crying before school. It's hard to let go of people you love, even if it's just for the day. But your empathy this morning made a real difference to my Alyce. Today the two of you walked into class together, older and braver than you were when you arrived at your new school just two weeks ago.

Thank you, Maggie. You made a real difference for me, too.

Love,
Alyce's Mama

A new year (again)

Sorry for the mix-up. For those of you who read this blog through Google Reader or some other such contraption, you were delivered a half-finished post last night. Think of it as a preview. Or maybe just the consequence of a full day of cooking and celebrating the Jewish New Year with good friends. By the time last night rolled around, I was toast.

So, let's try this again. L'Shanah Tovah, everyone! As someone who loves fresh starts, I adore the extra new year celebration that Judaism sneaks in. Another chance to think about old and new goals, another excuse to bake. This Rosh Hashanah was extra special for me this year, because it marked the first time that ringing in the new year felt like a holiday to me. I'm a convert to Judaism and no matter how much I've studied, and no matter how many new habits I've embraced, it takes time to reprogram my internal holiday schedule. I've always loved Rosh Hashanah in all its autumn glory, but this year the day felt special. I spent the day baking and cooking, preparing for friends to join us for dinner. Alyce made taped a new year greeting on the door. There were babies, food, and many wishes for a sweet year ahead. Not a bad way to spend a fall day.

And there was food. I made this challah, and I think it was a personal best. I substituted about two or three cups of whole wheat flour, and the results were a slightly more wholegrain bread that was still light and airy. For dinner, along with the apples and honey traditional to Rosh Hashanah celebrations (the honey helps everyone to usher in a sweet year ahead), I made this chicken, which I adore. I did learn, however, that I shouldn't overcrowd the chicken trying to fit it all in one cast iron pan (took longer to cook and didn't get as crispy). And for dessert we dined on these brownies and some peach and apple crisp. The company made everything worth it, especially the chance to help baby J celebrate his first Rosh Hashanah.

It should also be noted that Alyce enjoyed the traditional Rosh Hashanah gift of her first Barbie doll (well, it might be a tradition one day). Alyce and Barbie had a lovely day together (pictured above). I think they were fast friends.

Happy New Year!

But first we had to move a turtle

I was working away from the house yesterday (and by working I mean writing job applications), and I called home around lunchtime to see how things were going. I figured they would be finishing up lunch, maybe reading a book before Shira's nap, or even watching Cinderella for the tenth time this week (it's due back at the library tomorrow, so you can't blame a girl for cramming in an extra viewing or six). But no, they were trying to figure out how a large turtle ended up in our fenced in backyard.

He wasn't a small turtle, this one. And no matter what they did, all he wanted to do was climb into our house. Unfortunately for him, turtles aren't the best stair climbers, and so he ended up on his back more than once, or just pacing back and forth along the edge of our house. Is there anything more pathetic? He was frantic, poor turtle. I could hear Alyce in the background informing Matt that she could touch the turtle and not to worry. I could also here Shira shrieking with excitement. It's not everyday you discover a turtle. Usually we just find cats.

Matt did the logical thing: he turned to google for help. The internet told him to either just leave it alone or take it to a stream somewhere. But there were a couple of problems: I wasn't keen on sharing our backyard with a turtle and our overly eager children (no offence, turtle), and we also worried that maybe this mystery turtle was someone's beloved pet. Maybe that's why he seemed so concerned with getting inside our house, you know, because he was accustomed to HBO and a jacuzzi tub. What to do? And yes, I actually considered posting signs in the neighbourhood. And this is how we have three cats, because we are suckers for an animal face.

In the end we decided to take Mr. Turtle (as I was calling him) to the park down the road. Matt was just getting a box when I spotted our neighbour, a young girl, playing in the street. Long story short (not really), Mr. Turtle was actually Squirtle the Turtle, and had escaped from her backyard. The upside? They are now reunited. The downside? She just keeps him in a kiddie pool in her backyard, so chances are good that he will show up in our backyard again soon. These neighbours are not the most considerate (and did I ever just hold myself back with that word choice), and I'm annoyed that they aren't looking after their pets, but at the end of the day I'm happy to reunite a girl and her turtle.

Uncharted Territory

You'd think I was done talking about my boobs. Alas, no.

I'm not here to go on about breastfeeding debates today, though. I'm here to ask for your advice. Shira has entered an entirely new aggressive phase in her approach to breastfeeding. I call her Milkzilla. It goes something like this:

I want milk. It's been ten minutes. No, I want it faster. No, that's not fast enough. It's been another ten minutes. I want more. I'll tackle you if I have to. Is that my sister on your lap. Oh, no she doesn't. I'll just smack her down until she gets her three-year-old bum away from you. There, ok. I'll have more milk then. I'm done now, but don't move since I'll be back in ten minutes for some more. Alright, then. Hey wait, I want some more now.

I could go on. Shira certainly does. All day long. Alyce never behaved this way. She loved nursing as much as any baby, but at this age she seemed content to nurse before naps, after a bump or fall, and first thing in the morning. Shira is sixteen months and I expect that there is a lot contributing to her attack on my boobs. First, she's not talking yet (except for calling Mama), and I think she's frustrated a lot of the time. Maybe she's nursing her way through the frustration? Second, she's been teething hard for a month and since nursing cures all, I imagine that it makes her mouth feel better. Third, breastfeeding is the one thing that belongs to Shira and nobody else. She competes with her big sister all day long for toys and attention, but the boobs are hers, and hers alone. It might be her way of showing the world that I belong to her, as she navigates her place in our family.

Really, Shira. There's no need to worry. I'm always here. Now please, just for this morning, please enjoy some milk in your cup. Oh right, you do not accept substitutes. I forgot.

Have any of you had experience with this? Once I return to work she'll have limited access to me during the day, but I have no intention of weaning her any time soon. Any thoughts?

Regrouping on a Monday

For all the chaos in our life, we had a great weekend. We had the best dinner and visit with a good friend and her new (to us) love. Isn't it just the greatest feeling, watching two people fall in love? And lucky for Alyce, this family also includes two kids, one, a girl, is Alyce's age, and her brother, an adorable six-year-old who melted my heart. They both melted me, but the little boy reminds me so much of my brother (who is almost eight), it made me a bit heartsick (Vancouver is so far away). Alyce and her new best friend will see each other again this weekend, as we scored an invitation to her birthday party. We also had a dinner with my dad's side of the family in honour of my grandfather's recent visit from Europe (he lives in the Canary Islands). We don't see each other very often which can make for some awkward initial conversation between all the (now) adult cousins, but nevertheless it's always good to see them. Somehow we all grew up. As in, we're getting old(er).

I have no photos to show of these adventures because I was either having too much fun, or chasing The Children, or both. But I do have evidence from the spontaneous pantry-emptying, cake baking session at my Mum's house on Sunday (ingredients: dried basil, cinnamon, sugar, sprinkles, flour, and water). This is one of Alyce's most favourite hobbies, but it was Shira's first time joining in the fun. She took her work very seriously. Not so serious was the impromptu roll down the hill when we picked up Alyce from school today. That last photo is Alyce dramatically ignoring my request for a grin. My heart broke for her again this morning as I dropped her off at school and she sobbed and sobbed, begging for me to stay with her. It's been two weeks, and while she clearly has a good time throughout the day, the idea of Kindergarten doesn't always impress her.

So it's the nineteenth Monday that I've been looking for work, which is depressing, but I'm trying to use today to regroup, to set an optimistic tone for the week. Sometimes I need to act the way I want to feel and this is one of those weeks when I need to act first. I know that I have a lot to offer an organization and I know that I'll find work. But it's hard to build momentum when everything feels like it's standing still. So like I said, act first. This week I'll act: I'll continue to apply for interesting positions, follow-up on as many applications as I can, and maybe shower every day.

How are you preparing for your week?

P.S. Shira's red t-shirt is just one of the many shirts I found packed away in my Mum's basement last week. It seems that my parents collected t-shirts for me when we traveled through Europe when I was very young. Today's t-shirt comes from Venice, where my parents traveled to on business when we lived in Florence. They saw the canals and ate delicious pasta, and I got this t-shirt.

I wasn't quite so gracious

Find the rest here.

I've mentioned before how Amber Dusik's blog, Parenting. Illustrated with Crappy Pictures, is sort of a window into my soul daily life. When I read her most recent post on the perils of falling asleep when one joins young children to play on the floor, I was simultaneously spraying coffee out of my nose laughing, and hanging my head in just a little bit of shame. Just the day before I was laying on the living room floor reading some newly acquired library books with Alyce, when the reality of that morning's 5:00 wake-up hit me hard. It was one of those tireds where nothing could get in the way of me passing out right then and there.

Nothing except Alyce, that is.

I closed my eyes and fell asleep for 47 seconds, and at first Alyce was all sweet, reading me a story and giving me bear to cuddle with. I applauded her efforts. And then I made my big mistake: I thought I could convince Alyce to steal away thirty minutes with me in bed upstairs (Shira was already sleeping, luck duck that she is). Come on, Alyce! We could snuggle in my big bed! You could read books!! Mama could rest!! It will be a fun game!!! I believe she truly had the best of intentions, but she's three, and in my tired stupor I acted as though she were a solid twenty years old. When she declared that it wasn't time to sleep, but time to play princess, I think I actually started crying. I'm a grown woman.

I actually tried to fight her on the details. No, Alyce, just let me rest of five minutes! Can't you just play in your room? Why are you trying to murder me? (I didn't actually say that last one, but we all know it's a valid question.) Dusick embraced the sweetness of her children, and most of all, she realized that she wasn't actually going to get rest. Me, not so much. Instead I was annoyed that my three-year-old couldn't appreciate my need for some sleep.

I've never claimed to be perfect. Sometimes I am quite the parenting fool. You and me, both. Right?

Right?

Ten reasons I need to get back to work now

1. Because I need to pay rent. This is an important reason.

2. The employees at the local Starbucks have recently worked together to draft some legislation requiring that I stop referring to their coffee shop as "My Office."

3. I need a good reason to stop wearing That Old T-Shirt and Those Yoga Pants, because sheer will isn't quite enough.

4. My marriage is good. My marriage is strong. But even my marriage needs for me not to spend every waking moment with my husband. I think he is also drafting some legislation requiring that I finally find a job already, and that I stop referring to our home as "That Place I Never Leave."

5. Again, rent.

6. Because I'm pretty sure I'm eating/baking/eating my way through the pain of constant disappointment. I really need some co-workers upon whom to unleash my baking addiction.

7. I'm ready for a new challenge, especially now that I find myself in unknown, non-graduate-school territory. I've spent so much time giving thought to where I fit it, and now I need to give these thoughts some action.

8. So that we can begin saving for that vacation that we desperately need. And by vacation I mean without The Children and not to visit family. We love all of you, but we need some time away from life. Current vacation dreams include: England/Scotland, NYC, anywhere with a warm beach, anywhere that is not our house.

9. Even Alyce and Shira are sick of me. Actually, no they aren't. They would prefer to have me at their disposal every hour of the day to play princess, dress-up, hopscotch, and to nurse (Shira, that is). And for tea parties. And to randomly yell at me when I'm not bending to their will.

10. Because it's time to move forward.